Today was really really very bad for me. I have a total melt-down, I still do, whilst typing out this post. Still crying so hard that I was shaking and keep having to wipe the tears away to see the screen.
My period came yesterday, no surprise there, since I was kind of expecting it.
I only started losing it last night, when we had to go to my mil place for dinner. Guess what's the occasion? Right, that bloody bitch is pregnant, for the third time. She was literally beaming and was gushing on about how this time round that it will definitely be the gender that she wants BECAUSE, she used a OPK for THE FIRST TIME just so she could BD on the perfect day. At that moment I was literally shaking from trying so hard to control myself NOT TO start screaming at her and NOT TO pounce on her and slap her around.
This is SO BLOoDY UNFAIR. Here I am, trying for so long, and I couldn't even get pregnant once. And there she was, with two beautiful girls conceived effortlessly, and a third on the way.
I have been a relatively good human being. No doubt I spewed venomous stuff here and in my head, but all in all, I live as a decent human being. Why? Why can't I even have a child? Despite trying for almost 2 years????
And today. Today was claustrophic.
The staff of mine whom I suspect is pregnant? YES, indeed she is. She told me about it today, all smiles, and explained some work adjustments would have to be made. My ass. I smiled, congratulated her, said that I would look into re-arranging the work stuff, and that I would need to talk to her again since I needed to rush for a meeting.
I literally ran out of the office. I started hyperventilating in the lift, sucking in my breath deeply and opening my eyes REAL WIDE to prevent myself bawling there and there.
The dam broke when I was safely cocooned in my car and speeding along the road.
THIS IS SO fREAKING PATHETIC! Who would have expected ttc to lead me into such a sorry state?
I feel so suffocated because I am going to be facing fertile pregnant people around me EVERDAY. And the front I will have to put on! I just can't do it anymore.
I took the rest of the day off. I went straight home, and I REFUSED to take the painkillers nor the TCM medicine. I stupidly took in all the pain, and just cried non-stop in bed. Perhaps? Perhaps God might take pity on me and grant me a kid for the fact that I am tolerating all these pain? Yeah, such silly thought flashed through my mind amidst the pains and sorrows.
It's hard. It's so very very hard.
I got to stop here now. It's almost 9pm and my DH will be back soon. No, I don't want him to know I have a melt-down again. The pain is enough for one person - me alone.
I will be better come tomorrow. Yes I will. There's nothing else, anyway, right?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
DPO... ...7? And the last day of 2007
It should be DPO7 for me, but FF shifted it to DPO5 if I took into consideration the temp last Friday. Oh well, I discarded that temp then.
I meant to post earlier, and I meant to post several entries. But oh well.
Life's been so hectic. Good hectic though. Lots of shopping. And no, I didn't manage to get away from the holidays at all. I plan to do that for the coming Chinese New Year though. I hope to succeed :)
First, about BFF#1, A, We met up with others for our annual Xmas gathering. As usual, she's gushing on and on about her kid. Thank God there's a rule of NO DH/BF and NO KIDS. She had the audacity to suggest changing the rule. Then she tried to explain that she HAD no choice but to bring her kid along with her blah blah blah. In the end another girlfriend managed to put her into place. That bitch.
I just put on that plastic smile of mine whilst she went on. Sad to say, I think my friendship with A will be ending soon. Perhaps, who knows? I might deem her BFF again after I have my own kid? Haa.....for that reason alone, I hope our friendship will be revived soon. How pathetic of me.
Anyway, I know that this cycle will be a bust again. That's because I don't feel any different at all.
About mil and sil, they continue to be pain in the ass. The other day we visited the temple that housed my deceased fil's tablet. And guess what? I offered joss-sticks to him and prayed to him to, please, come and fetch mil soon. Evil me. I don't understand why she must make things difficult for everyone. Why she must be so foul-mouthed. Why she must be perpetually unhappy. I hate her, so hate her.
Alright, what else? Yes, about that staff of mine whom I suspect may be pregnant. I strongly suspect such is the case. I will write further on that next time though, because I can't seem to continue now.
I just want to get this part of my life over and done with. I wish that we can revert to a lifestyle of not wanting kids. The weird thing here is, maternal and paternal instincts are really at work here. Strange, truly strange. We both feel this inner need of wanting to be parents. Is it made all the more stronger because we can't seem to have it? I really don't know.
Alright, today is the last year. I just have a simple wish for year 2008. And we all know there's no surprise there about what it is. I just want to conceive. Notice how I said 'to conceive'? And not 'to be parents'? Hur hur....... I just want to give us more leeway......at least we have another whole year ahead.....just let me get pregnant next year.....
Happy new year everyone!
I meant to post earlier, and I meant to post several entries. But oh well.
Life's been so hectic. Good hectic though. Lots of shopping. And no, I didn't manage to get away from the holidays at all. I plan to do that for the coming Chinese New Year though. I hope to succeed :)
First, about BFF#1, A, We met up with others for our annual Xmas gathering. As usual, she's gushing on and on about her kid. Thank God there's a rule of NO DH/BF and NO KIDS. She had the audacity to suggest changing the rule. Then she tried to explain that she HAD no choice but to bring her kid along with her blah blah blah. In the end another girlfriend managed to put her into place. That bitch.
I just put on that plastic smile of mine whilst she went on. Sad to say, I think my friendship with A will be ending soon. Perhaps, who knows? I might deem her BFF again after I have my own kid? Haa.....for that reason alone, I hope our friendship will be revived soon. How pathetic of me.
Anyway, I know that this cycle will be a bust again. That's because I don't feel any different at all.
About mil and sil, they continue to be pain in the ass. The other day we visited the temple that housed my deceased fil's tablet. And guess what? I offered joss-sticks to him and prayed to him to, please, come and fetch mil soon. Evil me. I don't understand why she must make things difficult for everyone. Why she must be so foul-mouthed. Why she must be perpetually unhappy. I hate her, so hate her.
Alright, what else? Yes, about that staff of mine whom I suspect may be pregnant. I strongly suspect such is the case. I will write further on that next time though, because I can't seem to continue now.
I just want to get this part of my life over and done with. I wish that we can revert to a lifestyle of not wanting kids. The weird thing here is, maternal and paternal instincts are really at work here. Strange, truly strange. We both feel this inner need of wanting to be parents. Is it made all the more stronger because we can't seem to have it? I really don't know.
Alright, today is the last year. I just have a simple wish for year 2008. And we all know there's no surprise there about what it is. I just want to conceive. Notice how I said 'to conceive'? And not 'to be parents'? Hur hur....... I just want to give us more leeway......at least we have another whole year ahead.....just let me get pregnant next year.....
Happy new year everyone!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Awaiting ovulation
Time flies...yet another week has gone by. One thing about ttc, it's so much fun you know? Since there will always be a fresh cycle every month. It's like a drama series. Just that it seems never-ending seasons in my case.
Yet another fellow blogger has gotten pregnant. What a great Christmas Present.
I am about to ovulate soon, probably tomorrow or Monday. Will I get a great 2008 present? I certainly hope so.
We are contemplating to move on to IUI soon. We will skip the clomid step right away since DH has only a 5% morphology. What do you think?
Alright. This is just a short entry. Not much feelings nor rants to document because there's still part of me that's pretty unfeelable. Just. Feeling. Calm.
TCM has advised me to relax and try not to get agitated.
Yes, I'll try.
I am just so glad that we don't have to visit mil for this weekend. Sigh. I really hope we don't have to visit her EVER, SOON.
Hey hey stop there. Relax. Be serene.
Merry Christmas to all!
Yet another fellow blogger has gotten pregnant. What a great Christmas Present.
I am about to ovulate soon, probably tomorrow or Monday. Will I get a great 2008 present? I certainly hope so.
We are contemplating to move on to IUI soon. We will skip the clomid step right away since DH has only a 5% morphology. What do you think?
Alright. This is just a short entry. Not much feelings nor rants to document because there's still part of me that's pretty unfeelable. Just. Feeling. Calm.
TCM has advised me to relax and try not to get agitated.
Yes, I'll try.
I am just so glad that we don't have to visit mil for this weekend. Sigh. I really hope we don't have to visit her EVER, SOON.
Hey hey stop there. Relax. Be serene.
Merry Christmas to all!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Yet another failed cycle - CD6
I realised that my last post was on last Tuesday DPO11. How I wished this post of mine would be screaming 'BFP! BFP! BFP!'. But hey hey, we all know by now that it's just not going to be that easy, right?
So here I am, another failed cycle.
My temperature dropped last Thursday and silly me was of course holding out on the hope that it might be an implantation dip. I am sure many women suffering from TTC/infertility issues out there would know exactly what I am talking about. Many a times I took solace in their blogs. And many a times those stuff they blogged about would bring about smile or a tear.
My period then came on Friday, and I was once again thrown into the depths of depression. It's of course well-contained during work. Work has always been my saviour and armour.
Weekend was a blur. I couldn't recall much of it except that I had simply shut down part of myself so that I wouldn't have to feel much. I still had quite several blood clots though the blood flow seemed to have lessened. So perhaps the TCM is working its magic. I hope its magic includes a BFP soon.
What now? what now? 2007 is coming to an end. What's next? The damnest thing is that I can't even do anything about my condition since I suffer from adenomyosis. I can't even do a lap or anything. I just have to WAIT. I can only wait. Wait for DH's soldiers to be stronger and strong enough to fertilize my egg and implant properly.
Holidays are here again. I dread them, I really do. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am going to try to arrange for some business trip. I am so going to try.
Sorry for all these ramblings.
So here I am, another failed cycle.
My temperature dropped last Thursday and silly me was of course holding out on the hope that it might be an implantation dip. I am sure many women suffering from TTC/infertility issues out there would know exactly what I am talking about. Many a times I took solace in their blogs. And many a times those stuff they blogged about would bring about smile or a tear.
My period then came on Friday, and I was once again thrown into the depths of depression. It's of course well-contained during work. Work has always been my saviour and armour.
Weekend was a blur. I couldn't recall much of it except that I had simply shut down part of myself so that I wouldn't have to feel much. I still had quite several blood clots though the blood flow seemed to have lessened. So perhaps the TCM is working its magic. I hope its magic includes a BFP soon.
What now? what now? 2007 is coming to an end. What's next? The damnest thing is that I can't even do anything about my condition since I suffer from adenomyosis. I can't even do a lap or anything. I just have to WAIT. I can only wait. Wait for DH's soldiers to be stronger and strong enough to fertilize my egg and implant properly.
Holidays are here again. I dread them, I really do. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am going to try to arrange for some business trip. I am so going to try.
Sorry for all these ramblings.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
DPO11
No particular feeling.
Woke up early for a swim before heading to office. Again, full-fat toffee nut latte for breakfast. With a muffin threw in. Lots of butter.
Work was truly my saviour. No matter what TTC shit I have, work will always cheer me up. I am just too good at it. One of my staff has gained some weight, and I kept thinking that any time now she's going to tell me that she's pregnant. She was only married last year. Sigh.
Woke up early for a swim before heading to office. Again, full-fat toffee nut latte for breakfast. With a muffin threw in. Lots of butter.
Work was truly my saviour. No matter what TTC shit I have, work will always cheer me up. I am just too good at it. One of my staff has gained some weight, and I kept thinking that any time now she's going to tell me that she's pregnant. She was only married last year. Sigh.
DPO10 & TCM visit
I enjoyed going for my TCM because the physician is such a lovely lady. She's always so calm and reassuring.
She felt my pulse and I told her woefully that I didn't have any 'pregnant' feeling. She smiled and nodded. She couldn't detect either but she told me DPO10 was still too early for most people. Oh well, I know she's trying to cheer me up. Then she asked the usual questions whilst she did the accupuncture on me. I collected both my and DH's med and drove over to Orchard for - you guessed it right - retail therapy. AND emotional eating.
I did some christmas shopping in a detached mode. I wasn't feeling overtly depressed. I didn't have that doomed heavy feeling in the pits of my stomach. I was simply, unfeeling. Very detached.
With both hands full of shopping bags, I sat down for my full fat toffee nut latte. I don't care. I deserved some caffeine. I've been deprived for so long. And I had my favourite new york cheesecake. I already thought of where to have dinner later with DH.I want to have loads of meat and cheese and fats.
So what if DH and I both look like the perfect specimens of VIBRANT health? So what if we both keep up a healthy regime of regular exercise and diet? So what if we look great? We aren't so great internally.
I really HATE it when I see fat waddling women pregnant. I really fucking hate it when people whom I know of and who clearly didn't deserve kids have them. I hate it when people told me they got pregnant on their first try or that it's a Oops pregnancy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.
And I left out something unwritten about friend A in my earlier post. She subsequently im that they had started trying again last month. But then she got her period. YES, I am happy about it. Did she think that she will strike on their first try the second round as well?
Dear GOD, you wouldn't be that cruel towards me, right?
I pray, yes I pray. Please GOD, at least allow me to get pregnant before A. Please don't let her have it too easy. Alright, there, I've said it. See what a horrible person I have become? I have been consumed by the infertility monster. A is my BBF, and this is what I wished for her.
She felt my pulse and I told her woefully that I didn't have any 'pregnant' feeling. She smiled and nodded. She couldn't detect either but she told me DPO10 was still too early for most people. Oh well, I know she's trying to cheer me up. Then she asked the usual questions whilst she did the accupuncture on me. I collected both my and DH's med and drove over to Orchard for - you guessed it right - retail therapy. AND emotional eating.
I did some christmas shopping in a detached mode. I wasn't feeling overtly depressed. I didn't have that doomed heavy feeling in the pits of my stomach. I was simply, unfeeling. Very detached.
With both hands full of shopping bags, I sat down for my full fat toffee nut latte. I don't care. I deserved some caffeine. I've been deprived for so long. And I had my favourite new york cheesecake. I already thought of where to have dinner later with DH.I want to have loads of meat and cheese and fats.
So what if DH and I both look like the perfect specimens of VIBRANT health? So what if we both keep up a healthy regime of regular exercise and diet? So what if we look great? We aren't so great internally.
I really HATE it when I see fat waddling women pregnant. I really fucking hate it when people whom I know of and who clearly didn't deserve kids have them. I hate it when people told me they got pregnant on their first try or that it's a Oops pregnancy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.
And I left out something unwritten about friend A in my earlier post. She subsequently im that they had started trying again last month. But then she got her period. YES, I am happy about it. Did she think that she will strike on their first try the second round as well?
Dear GOD, you wouldn't be that cruel towards me, right?
I pray, yes I pray. Please GOD, at least allow me to get pregnant before A. Please don't let her have it too easy. Alright, there, I've said it. See what a horrible person I have become? I have been consumed by the infertility monster. A is my BBF, and this is what I wished for her.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
DPO9...and counting...
Today is DPO9. Weekend was great, as usual. Except for the pain in the ass obligatory visit to mil.
Ok, let's make it offical in this post - I HATE MY MIL. And that I wish that she will DIE SOON. Yes, such venom. No wonder I'm still not pregnant. The angel within me will chide me - how is it possible for you to be pregnant when you curse death on your mil? Then again, the evil twin will reason that there are SO MANY women out there who are MUCH WORSE than me, and they are giving birth left, right, and centre. Go figure.
It's like the family we saw during breakfast yesterday morning. SHE was SO FAT. She was so fat that she hardly had the energy to handle her THREE kids. And the poor husbnd was hustling to and fro to buy the various assortments of breakfast. She simply sat there like a glob of fat, unmoving, whilst the two older kids were running around and the maid was carrying the wailing baby. GOSH, kill me.
Anyway, I hate my mil for many reasons, as I am sure many of you mil-haters will know.
Oh yes, throw in the sil too. I HATE SIL and I do wish she's DEAD, too. For the record, sil is married, with 2 kids, and staying with mil. They have a maid too, paid for by yours truly and yours truly's DH. Put it this way, we very much help to support them. Sil's DH is a nice man who doesn't earn much. Frankly speaking, we don't mind giving them the extra money etc, because I do love the kids too and I am never stingy with money. Moreover we are in the position to help comfortably. I just can't stand her bimbotic ways. The worst thing is that, she still wants a THIRD kid, because both her kids are girls and she wants a boy. I could have strangled her. I mean, can't she live within her means?????
My mil is the perpetual pessimist. Nothing good nor gracious ever comes out of her foul mouth. She is unhappy about everything and complains about everything. So all I know is that, she should die sooner so she need not suffer on earth any more. And yet, the minute she feels anything amiss, she will quickly rush to the doctors. OOooh, how scared she is to depart from this world. AND I HATE IT, when she will insist on wanting my DH to accompany her to the doctors. EXCUSE ME, we are working, whilst her daughter is at home, and there's A MAID. Go and die.
Anyway, that's it for now. The rest of our weekend is made all the more sweeter because we got horrid people like them!
Tomorrow is my DPO10, and I will be on leave to visit my TCM.
Ok, let's make it offical in this post - I HATE MY MIL. And that I wish that she will DIE SOON. Yes, such venom. No wonder I'm still not pregnant. The angel within me will chide me - how is it possible for you to be pregnant when you curse death on your mil? Then again, the evil twin will reason that there are SO MANY women out there who are MUCH WORSE than me, and they are giving birth left, right, and centre. Go figure.
It's like the family we saw during breakfast yesterday morning. SHE was SO FAT. She was so fat that she hardly had the energy to handle her THREE kids. And the poor husbnd was hustling to and fro to buy the various assortments of breakfast. She simply sat there like a glob of fat, unmoving, whilst the two older kids were running around and the maid was carrying the wailing baby. GOSH, kill me.
Anyway, I hate my mil for many reasons, as I am sure many of you mil-haters will know.
Oh yes, throw in the sil too. I HATE SIL and I do wish she's DEAD, too. For the record, sil is married, with 2 kids, and staying with mil. They have a maid too, paid for by yours truly and yours truly's DH. Put it this way, we very much help to support them. Sil's DH is a nice man who doesn't earn much. Frankly speaking, we don't mind giving them the extra money etc, because I do love the kids too and I am never stingy with money. Moreover we are in the position to help comfortably. I just can't stand her bimbotic ways. The worst thing is that, she still wants a THIRD kid, because both her kids are girls and she wants a boy. I could have strangled her. I mean, can't she live within her means?????
My mil is the perpetual pessimist. Nothing good nor gracious ever comes out of her foul mouth. She is unhappy about everything and complains about everything. So all I know is that, she should die sooner so she need not suffer on earth any more. And yet, the minute she feels anything amiss, she will quickly rush to the doctors. OOooh, how scared she is to depart from this world. AND I HATE IT, when she will insist on wanting my DH to accompany her to the doctors. EXCUSE ME, we are working, whilst her daughter is at home, and there's A MAID. Go and die.
Anyway, that's it for now. The rest of our weekend is made all the more sweeter because we got horrid people like them!
Tomorrow is my DPO10, and I will be on leave to visit my TCM.
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