Sunday, January 20, 2008


Nothing much to update. Patiently awaiting ovulation and implantation and BFP!

Have I mentioned that CNY is around the corner? I am still trying to arrange for some getaway. I don't think I can stand it, being surrounded by well-meaning (hey hey, spot the positivism at work here, of course I meant NOSEY) relatives with that same question. It's weird, since they knew long ago that we don't intend to have kids at all, yet they never fail to ask the same old question year after year after year. It used to be fun to rebutt them, back when we really didn't plan on having any. OF course, things have changed. The CNY year before last year, was still bearable. Last year was harder BUT, still okay. For this coming round, I don't think I can face it. I will be surrounded by fertile younger cousins left, right, center.

This is one of the blogs I read:

She posted about being positive and imagining her best case scenario.

For myself, I have SEVERAL versions of pregnant scenarios. One of which will involve annoucing my pregnancy during CNY, and smiling in a what-to-do-accidents-do-happen manner. Ha ha ha.....yes, all of you can start laughing.....

Which brings me to something - ever since I am having TTC issues, I begin to really wonder whenever some people spoke of their pregnancies as 'accidents'. Who knows, maybe they had been trying for years. I guess that helps to make me feel better?

Alright, I am going to end this entry, because it's no fun at all. Writing it simply makes me feeling down, and I don't want that sort of feeling.

Just like to end it off, by reposting my comment which I posted in lifehopes's blog:

- Over in Singapore, we have a TTC forum, and there hv been a number of ex endo sufferers who shared their BFP success stories after laps etc.

So, be POSITIVE!!!!

At least, you can do lap to remove your endo. Unlike me, I suffer from adenomyosis where the endo tissue grows into my uterine walls, which means I can't operate on it, short of removing the womb!

BUT, we must stay positive and NOT LOSE hope :)

Stay positive, practice an endo-friendly diet and lifestyle. Think ZEN.

Me of all people, know that it's VERY difficult, esp. when surrounded by fertile pp all over.

But, our day will come, eventually.

ps - instead of updating my blog, I spend my time reading others and I in denial or what....

-end of comment

Thursday, January 10, 2008

CD2....Complete melt-down

Today was really really very bad for me. I have a total melt-down, I still do, whilst typing out this post. Still crying so hard that I was shaking and keep having to wipe the tears away to see the screen.

My period came yesterday, no surprise there, since I was kind of expecting it.

I only started losing it last night, when we had to go to my mil place for dinner. Guess what's the occasion? Right, that bloody bitch is pregnant, for the third time. She was literally beaming and was gushing on about how this time round that it will definitely be the gender that she wants BECAUSE, she used a OPK for THE FIRST TIME just so she could BD on the perfect day. At that moment I was literally shaking from trying so hard to control myself NOT TO start screaming at her and NOT TO pounce on her and slap her around.

This is SO BLOoDY UNFAIR. Here I am, trying for so long, and I couldn't even get pregnant once. And there she was, with two beautiful girls conceived effortlessly, and a third on the way.

I have been a relatively good human being. No doubt I spewed venomous stuff here and in my head, but all in all, I live as a decent human being. Why? Why can't I even have a child? Despite trying for almost 2 years????

And today. Today was claustrophic.

The staff of mine whom I suspect is pregnant? YES, indeed she is. She told me about it today, all smiles, and explained some work adjustments would have to be made. My ass. I smiled, congratulated her, said that I would look into re-arranging the work stuff, and that I would need to talk to her again since I needed to rush for a meeting.

I literally ran out of the office. I started hyperventilating in the lift, sucking in my breath deeply and opening my eyes REAL WIDE to prevent myself bawling there and there.

The dam broke when I was safely cocooned in my car and speeding along the road.

THIS IS SO fREAKING PATHETIC! Who would have expected ttc to lead me into such a sorry state?

I feel so suffocated because I am going to be facing fertile pregnant people around me EVERDAY. And the front I will have to put on! I just can't do it anymore.

I took the rest of the day off. I went straight home, and I REFUSED to take the painkillers nor the TCM medicine. I stupidly took in all the pain, and just cried non-stop in bed. Perhaps? Perhaps God might take pity on me and grant me a kid for the fact that I am tolerating all these pain? Yeah, such silly thought flashed through my mind amidst the pains and sorrows.

It's hard. It's so very very hard.

I got to stop here now. It's almost 9pm and my DH will be back soon. No, I don't want him to know I have a melt-down again. The pain is enough for one person - me alone.

I will be better come tomorrow. Yes I will. There's nothing else, anyway, right?