Monday, May 19, 2008

Onwards to new cycle again!

Hey, I'm blogging again! :)

First, to respond to the tag from allyouwhohope I ignore her tag last round, so this round I will do it.

Here goes:

1. Why did you start your blog?

Simply to rant and vent about my depression and frustration issues about TTC and IF. It's actually meant to be sort of a hate blog too, since I post ugly tots towards certain people too.

2. How did you come up with your blog name?

It came very natural to me!

3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?

NO!!! If you read my first few posts, this is meant to be my 'secret' blog, which is not supposed to be known by people and family who know me - they know me and my husband as people who do not wish to have children (that's what we wanted last time...). And some of them will flip if they get to read some of the posts since they aren't pretty at all!

That's why, I must apologize for the 'boringness' of this blog. You'd noticed it's mostly TTC related, and I don't blog a lot about other personal and social stuff. I can't elaborate on our trips and outings and other aspects of social life, nor about my career or hobbies etc, because I cannot risk being identified by people whom I know.

4. How do you write posts?

I usually write whilst awaiting ovulation or in 2ww or to announce the cycle has failed...

5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?

Thankfully, Nope!

6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?

I have a counter just to have a general idea, but I don't really care. I care more about people knowing me NOT knowing about this blog!

Yes, I'm done!

Today is a Public Holiday in Singapore here, it's called Vesak Day.

I am in a good mood, because my period is ending soon and I can look forward to a brand new cycle!

The pain was slightly better this time round, and I didn't take any ponstan pills at all. I am going into some details about my period, so apologies for TMI!

It's only painful and crampy during the first two days. How to describe the pain? At best it's a dulling ache, at worst it's like someone trying to rip out my uterus! My uterus and pelvic regions will feel all heavy and aching. I can't walk straight, but I can't sit for long too. The best is to lie on bed in a sideway position, or to actually squat down or to kneel down and lean my upper torso on the floor, well basically any position that doesn't put weight on the pelvic region.

But the worst part are the blood clots. My period is not just about passing out blood, but also passing out blood clots! It's really gross, and I really need to make sure I am near the bathrooms for the first two days to avoid staining! Every time I go to loo to pass urine, out pop the clots too! But with each passing out of the clots, my cramp will be abated. So I believe the cramps are caused by my body wanting to expel these clots.

My gynae explained that these clots are probably from the endo growth into my uterine back walls. My TCM concurred, and added that that's why I need to abstain from cold stuff and try to keep my womb 'hot', as that will help to ease blood flow and prevents less clotting.

I have read up extensively over my adenomyosis condition, and I am thankful that I only suffer two days of pain every month, which in a way can be alleviated by taking ponstan and keeping to a cleaner 'warmer' diet.

Anyone out there who is like me and have gotten pregnant eventually? I believe there are! In time to come, I will too.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Failed cycle again

Sigh, just when I posted about being in 2WW yesterday...well wouldn't you know period came last night. The day when a close friend told me she tested positive was also the day when my period came.

But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.

We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.

I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

2WW now....

Again I have to apologize for the lapse in updating....this time round is way too long....last cycle was a bust, naturally, and currently, I am in 2WW again.

Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)

I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.

So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!

And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!

But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.

Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.

Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...

When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...

However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.

I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.

It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.

How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.