Thursday, October 23, 2008

CD6 - A sense of uplifted-ness amidst the blues....

I just want to thank and so so so much....,for your comments.

And in particular, I draw much joy and comfort from this entry -

Allyouwhohope, thanks so much for this entry. You have no idea how it's helped to lifted me for a moment! I also can't really explain why. Perhaps it's the comforting image of the 2 of you chatting and sharing away....perhaps it's just a sense of feeling 'not-so-alone'. And your cooment - 'while neither of us is very optimistic for ourselves, we are very optimistic for each other' - that's so very true! We definitely have lots of hope for one another!

And I just read the most recent entry of waitingforlife, and yes, I am TOTALLY with you -

'Anyone ever feel completely and totally worthless in the midst of infertility? It's a relentless thief that robs you of EVERYTHING. It robs you of your hope, of your dreams, of your passions, it leaves you feeling empty-handed. You feel like a wilted flower, waiting to fall off its stem.'

It's what I REALLY hate aboutbeing infertile. It's like, nothing else matters, simply because I am barren. Childless. Can't even pregnant once to save my life.

And there are the others. Other women who can be deemed 'worthless' or not as desirable, but HELLO, that ceases to matter so long as they actually have kids.

Many a times, I would see a woman around, and wondering about her sense of dressing or weight issue or just her weird mannerism, and then this little cute creature will run up and call out 'mummy!' And it would dawn on me that , well, in fact, I, I AM the weird one around. Dressed professionally, so what? Behaving politely, so what?? Nice career and fine dining and travelling and all the frills, SO what??!! I am infertile. Childless.

Alright, I shouldn't go on along this note, so I shall sign off for now....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

CD5 - second failed clomid cycle

Yes, the second round didn't work for me either. I was on 100mg....and ovulated around CD16/17, with ultrasound showing normal ovulation as compared to in the past. So clomid didn't help me to ovulate faster, nor more eggs....

Decided to take a break and just, just be 'natural'....

My gynae explained that clmoid probably didn't work because of my adenomyosis condition. The estrogens/hormones from the endo attached to my uterus back walls probably 'prevented' clomid from working its magic. My own hormones have a mind of their own.

Granted, I do ovulate. Just that there's a slim chance of pregnancy given my adenomyosis conditon and husband's low motility....

We shall plough on. Afterall, it's been almost 3 years....

I am sorry that this is just a quick update.

I hope I will brighten up soon.

Sometimes, whatever other good things I try to appreciate in my life, simply doesn't work, just.because.

We are infertile.

We simply can't get pregnant.