Friday, November 30, 2007

Introducing BFF#1

Morning started off to a great start. Traffic was smooth and good. That's what I love about school holidays!

It did feel kind of weird, liberating even. After creating this blog last night, instead of feeling all gleeful and vengeful about ALL the posts I was so going to start on, I actually felt pretty benevolent. Yes, you didn't read it incorrectly. Benevolent was the word. As in, I began to think that I was the petty one at fault. I started to beat myself up for having all those evil thoughts etc. Of course, that's just the angel speaking. Perhaps the evil twin only reared its ugle head at night.

Well, wonder no more. Because barely 2 hours into the office, the evil twin was out in full force. And so it's time to introduce BFF#1. Just name her A.

I forgot to block her in msn and she im me immediately when she came online.

Now, who is this A? Well, she IS my BFF. I got to know her during my very first job. She was a year older, and very much single. Throughout the years, whilst I tested various bfs, she remained very much single. Not for lack of suitors, but simply for lack of suitable suitors. Geez, she tends to attract pretty creepy guys. Eeks.

Fast forward a decade or so, which is the present. She is married, and with a daughter. Well I need to qualify that sentence. She met the guy, got married, and gave birth to a lovely daughter, within 2 years. That's right. She got married in the same year she met the guy. She got pregnant on their try. The rest is history. The nice angel in me will jump out wanting to list out how wonderful I have been as her BFF throughout the whole friendship, but that's NOT the point. This blog is by the evil twin, so I will only post the nasty parts.

First, is it love? I don't know. I really don't know. A's husband is in fact my JC mate, BUT we definitely didn't move in the same social circle. He's a decent enough fellow. And A was running out of time. So things just fell into places.

A changed completely after having her lovely daughter. Of course, this is what my evil twin sees. A started on and on and on and on about the loveliness of motherhood and urged me to have a go. She didn't know about the issues we are facing because, thank GOD, I didn't tell her. Not because I didn't want to. I was lucky to discover the change in her in time for me NOT to share anything with her. As she's crippled in words and tact. She knew long ago that we are VERY focused on our careers and won't wish to compromise our lifestyle with parenthood. She didn't know we have changed our minds. But even then, it's not about whether we want to have kids or not. It's about HER, being so zealous about motherhood and nothing else.

Anyway, let's come back.

I almost wanted to brush her off. I just came back from a business trip and was tempted to im her back that I was still out of town. BUT, what the heck. I just helloed her back. And guess what, she asked how's the trip and that she missed me and she put those sniggering icon and asked whether am I preggie. HEllo???? And that's not the first time. Prior to having a kid she had never started on my case. And I thought that's because she is my BFF and truly understood my reasons for not having kids. NOW I know better. As if seeing me having strings of bfs and getting married WAY earlier than her isn't bad enough? How can she possibly tolerate the fact that I am going to be a mother WAY earlier than her? She must be so glad I wasn't having any so she could still beat me in that department! And yes, she did win me, hands down. And of course she has to gloat over it now. It will always be her upperhand over me. She can't compare in other areas. She's not doing better than me career-wise nor social circle-wise. Her husband doesn't dote on her as much as mine does. The list goes on. But hey, she IS a mother, she has a DAUGHTER.

SO she has been blabbering on and on about kids. And keep urging me to have a go. I would have forgiven her if she's like that before having her kid. But no. Her explaination is that now she discovers how wonderous motherhood is and so I MUST go for it. Perhaps she's being sincere and sweet. But my evil twin likes to think that she's trying to show off. She's trying to tell me she's having this wonderous experience while I, am losing out on this wonderous experience.

There, she gotten what she wanted. She spoiled my Friday, through and through.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Finally started a blog on my TTC related depression and issues

Yes, finally. I've spent a very very long time agonizing whether or not to start a blog. In truth, ttc/infertility blogs which I've been obssessed with are all from the US or UK, none from Singapore. I wonder why?

Perhaps it's due to fear of being discovered? Privacy being intruded upon? Afterall, what can be worse than laying out in the open for all to see - all 'evil' things ttc related? As such, I have decided on a few measures to ensure that NOBODY, absolutely no one, will be able to read my posts and go 'AHhhhhh! I know! I know who she is!'. Because, the fact remains that this blog will contain nothing pretty. It will be no hold barred. Meaning? Well, simply means the evil twin within me will be unleashed. Yippeeee! I will post about all my evil thoughts, even though I may not really mean them, BUT the fact remains that I do think of them. It's like at times you do wish that someone will drop-dead even though you don't really mean it. Yes, such will be my posts here. Because, this is my blog, about my depression regarding TTC. My evil twin. Because I am NEVER, so NOT like that in real life at all.

Since these few measures are meant to obscure my identity, obviously I can't list them out. So, please don't ask or probe, either.

Alright, the intro has been done. Will be happily posting in the days and months to come :) Yeah, notice I am NOT saying years, since I obviously hope to be pregnant soon.