Monday, December 31, 2007

DPO... ...7? And the last day of 2007

It should be DPO7 for me, but FF shifted it to DPO5 if I took into consideration the temp last Friday. Oh well, I discarded that temp then.

I meant to post earlier, and I meant to post several entries. But oh well.

Life's been so hectic. Good hectic though. Lots of shopping. And no, I didn't manage to get away from the holidays at all. I plan to do that for the coming Chinese New Year though. I hope to succeed :)

First, about BFF#1, A, We met up with others for our annual Xmas gathering. As usual, she's gushing on and on about her kid. Thank God there's a rule of NO DH/BF and NO KIDS. She had the audacity to suggest changing the rule. Then she tried to explain that she HAD no choice but to bring her kid along with her blah blah blah. In the end another girlfriend managed to put her into place. That bitch.

I just put on that plastic smile of mine whilst she went on. Sad to say, I think my friendship with A will be ending soon. Perhaps, who knows? I might deem her BFF again after I have my own kid? Haa.....for that reason alone, I hope our friendship will be revived soon. How pathetic of me.

Anyway, I know that this cycle will be a bust again. That's because I don't feel any different at all.

About mil and sil, they continue to be pain in the ass. The other day we visited the temple that housed my deceased fil's tablet. And guess what? I offered joss-sticks to him and prayed to him to, please, come and fetch mil soon. Evil me. I don't understand why she must make things difficult for everyone. Why she must be so foul-mouthed. Why she must be perpetually unhappy. I hate her, so hate her.

Alright, what else? Yes, about that staff of mine whom I suspect may be pregnant. I strongly suspect such is the case. I will write further on that next time though, because I can't seem to continue now.

I just want to get this part of my life over and done with. I wish that we can revert to a lifestyle of not wanting kids. The weird thing here is, maternal and paternal instincts are really at work here. Strange, truly strange. We both feel this inner need of wanting to be parents. Is it made all the more stronger because we can't seem to have it? I really don't know.

Alright, today is the last year. I just have a simple wish for year 2008. And we all know there's no surprise there about what it is. I just want to conceive. Notice how I said 'to conceive'? And not 'to be parents'? Hur hur....... I just want to give us more leeway......at least we have another whole year ahead.....just let me get pregnant next year.....

Happy new year everyone!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Awaiting ovulation

Time flies...yet another week has gone by. One thing about ttc, it's so much fun you know? Since there will always be a fresh cycle every month. It's like a drama series. Just that it seems never-ending seasons in my case.

Yet another fellow blogger has gotten pregnant. What a great Christmas Present.

I am about to ovulate soon, probably tomorrow or Monday. Will I get a great 2008 present? I certainly hope so.

We are contemplating to move on to IUI soon. We will skip the clomid step right away since DH has only a 5% morphology. What do you think?

Alright. This is just a short entry. Not much feelings nor rants to document because there's still part of me that's pretty unfeelable. Just. Feeling. Calm.

TCM has advised me to relax and try not to get agitated.

Yes, I'll try.

I am just so glad that we don't have to visit mil for this weekend. Sigh. I really hope we don't have to visit her EVER, SOON.

Hey hey stop there. Relax. Be serene.

Merry Christmas to all!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Yet another failed cycle - CD6

I realised that my last post was on last Tuesday DPO11. How I wished this post of mine would be screaming 'BFP! BFP! BFP!'. But hey hey, we all know by now that it's just not going to be that easy, right?

So here I am, another failed cycle.

My temperature dropped last Thursday and silly me was of course holding out on the hope that it might be an implantation dip. I am sure many women suffering from TTC/infertility issues out there would know exactly what I am talking about. Many a times I took solace in their blogs. And many a times those stuff they blogged about would bring about smile or a tear.

My period then came on Friday, and I was once again thrown into the depths of depression. It's of course well-contained during work. Work has always been my saviour and armour.

Weekend was a blur. I couldn't recall much of it except that I had simply shut down part of myself so that I wouldn't have to feel much. I still had quite several blood clots though the blood flow seemed to have lessened. So perhaps the TCM is working its magic. I hope its magic includes a BFP soon.

What now? what now? 2007 is coming to an end. What's next? The damnest thing is that I can't even do anything about my condition since I suffer from adenomyosis. I can't even do a lap or anything. I just have to WAIT. I can only wait. Wait for DH's soldiers to be stronger and strong enough to fertilize my egg and implant properly.

Holidays are here again. I dread them, I really do. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am going to try to arrange for some business trip. I am so going to try.

Sorry for all these ramblings.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

DPO11

No particular feeling.

Woke up early for a swim before heading to office. Again, full-fat toffee nut latte for breakfast. With a muffin threw in. Lots of butter.

Work was truly my saviour. No matter what TTC shit I have, work will always cheer me up. I am just too good at it. One of my staff has gained some weight, and I kept thinking that any time now she's going to tell me that she's pregnant. She was only married last year. Sigh.

DPO10 & TCM visit

I enjoyed going for my TCM because the physician is such a lovely lady. She's always so calm and reassuring.

She felt my pulse and I told her woefully that I didn't have any 'pregnant' feeling. She smiled and nodded. She couldn't detect either but she told me DPO10 was still too early for most people. Oh well, I know she's trying to cheer me up. Then she asked the usual questions whilst she did the accupuncture on me. I collected both my and DH's med and drove over to Orchard for - you guessed it right - retail therapy. AND emotional eating.

I did some christmas shopping in a detached mode. I wasn't feeling overtly depressed. I didn't have that doomed heavy feeling in the pits of my stomach. I was simply, unfeeling. Very detached.

With both hands full of shopping bags, I sat down for my full fat toffee nut latte. I don't care. I deserved some caffeine. I've been deprived for so long. And I had my favourite new york cheesecake. I already thought of where to have dinner later with DH.I want to have loads of meat and cheese and fats.

So what if DH and I both look like the perfect specimens of VIBRANT health? So what if we both keep up a healthy regime of regular exercise and diet? So what if we look great? We aren't so great internally.

I really HATE it when I see fat waddling women pregnant. I really fucking hate it when people whom I know of and who clearly didn't deserve kids have them. I hate it when people told me they got pregnant on their first try or that it's a Oops pregnancy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

And I left out something unwritten about friend A in my earlier post. She subsequently im that they had started trying again last month. But then she got her period. YES, I am happy about it. Did she think that she will strike on their first try the second round as well?

Dear GOD, you wouldn't be that cruel towards me, right?

I pray, yes I pray. Please GOD, at least allow me to get pregnant before A. Please don't let her have it too easy. Alright, there, I've said it. See what a horrible person I have become? I have been consumed by the infertility monster. A is my BBF, and this is what I wished for her.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

DPO9...and counting...

Today is DPO9. Weekend was great, as usual. Except for the pain in the ass obligatory visit to mil.

Ok, let's make it offical in this post - I HATE MY MIL. And that I wish that she will DIE SOON. Yes, such venom. No wonder I'm still not pregnant. The angel within me will chide me - how is it possible for you to be pregnant when you curse death on your mil? Then again, the evil twin will reason that there are SO MANY women out there who are MUCH WORSE than me, and they are giving birth left, right, and centre. Go figure.

It's like the family we saw during breakfast yesterday morning. SHE was SO FAT. She was so fat that she hardly had the energy to handle her THREE kids. And the poor husbnd was hustling to and fro to buy the various assortments of breakfast. She simply sat there like a glob of fat, unmoving, whilst the two older kids were running around and the maid was carrying the wailing baby. GOSH, kill me.

Anyway, I hate my mil for many reasons, as I am sure many of you mil-haters will know.

Oh yes, throw in the sil too. I HATE SIL and I do wish she's DEAD, too. For the record, sil is married, with 2 kids, and staying with mil. They have a maid too, paid for by yours truly and yours truly's DH. Put it this way, we very much help to support them. Sil's DH is a nice man who doesn't earn much. Frankly speaking, we don't mind giving them the extra money etc, because I do love the kids too and I am never stingy with money. Moreover we are in the position to help comfortably. I just can't stand her bimbotic ways. The worst thing is that, she still wants a THIRD kid, because both her kids are girls and she wants a boy. I could have strangled her. I mean, can't she live within her means?????

My mil is the perpetual pessimist. Nothing good nor gracious ever comes out of her foul mouth. She is unhappy about everything and complains about everything. So all I know is that, she should die sooner so she need not suffer on earth any more. And yet, the minute she feels anything amiss, she will quickly rush to the doctors. OOooh, how scared she is to depart from this world. AND I HATE IT, when she will insist on wanting my DH to accompany her to the doctors. EXCUSE ME, we are working, whilst her daughter is at home, and there's A MAID. Go and die.

Anyway, that's it for now. The rest of our weekend is made all the more sweeter because we got horrid people like them!

Tomorrow is my DPO10, and I will be on leave to visit my TCM.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Introducing BFF#1

Morning started off to a great start. Traffic was smooth and good. That's what I love about school holidays!

It did feel kind of weird, liberating even. After creating this blog last night, instead of feeling all gleeful and vengeful about ALL the posts I was so going to start on, I actually felt pretty benevolent. Yes, you didn't read it incorrectly. Benevolent was the word. As in, I began to think that I was the petty one at fault. I started to beat myself up for having all those evil thoughts etc. Of course, that's just the angel speaking. Perhaps the evil twin only reared its ugle head at night.

Well, wonder no more. Because barely 2 hours into the office, the evil twin was out in full force. And so it's time to introduce BFF#1. Just name her A.

I forgot to block her in msn and she im me immediately when she came online.

Now, who is this A? Well, she IS my BFF. I got to know her during my very first job. She was a year older, and very much single. Throughout the years, whilst I tested various bfs, she remained very much single. Not for lack of suitors, but simply for lack of suitable suitors. Geez, she tends to attract pretty creepy guys. Eeks.

Fast forward a decade or so, which is the present. She is married, and with a daughter. Well I need to qualify that sentence. She met the guy, got married, and gave birth to a lovely daughter, within 2 years. That's right. She got married in the same year she met the guy. She got pregnant on their try. The rest is history. The nice angel in me will jump out wanting to list out how wonderful I have been as her BFF throughout the whole friendship, but that's NOT the point. This blog is by the evil twin, so I will only post the nasty parts.

First, is it love? I don't know. I really don't know. A's husband is in fact my JC mate, BUT we definitely didn't move in the same social circle. He's a decent enough fellow. And A was running out of time. So things just fell into places.

A changed completely after having her lovely daughter. Of course, this is what my evil twin sees. A started on and on and on and on about the loveliness of motherhood and urged me to have a go. She didn't know about the issues we are facing because, thank GOD, I didn't tell her. Not because I didn't want to. I was lucky to discover the change in her in time for me NOT to share anything with her. As she's crippled in words and tact. She knew long ago that we are VERY focused on our careers and won't wish to compromise our lifestyle with parenthood. She didn't know we have changed our minds. But even then, it's not about whether we want to have kids or not. It's about HER, being so zealous about motherhood and nothing else.

Anyway, let's come back.

I almost wanted to brush her off. I just came back from a business trip and was tempted to im her back that I was still out of town. BUT, what the heck. I just helloed her back. And guess what, she asked how's the trip and that she missed me and she put those sniggering icon and asked whether am I preggie. HEllo???? And that's not the first time. Prior to having a kid she had never started on my case. And I thought that's because she is my BFF and truly understood my reasons for not having kids. NOW I know better. As if seeing me having strings of bfs and getting married WAY earlier than her isn't bad enough? How can she possibly tolerate the fact that I am going to be a mother WAY earlier than her? She must be so glad I wasn't having any so she could still beat me in that department! And yes, she did win me, hands down. And of course she has to gloat over it now. It will always be her upperhand over me. She can't compare in other areas. She's not doing better than me career-wise nor social circle-wise. Her husband doesn't dote on her as much as mine does. The list goes on. But hey, she IS a mother, she has a DAUGHTER.

SO she has been blabbering on and on about kids. And keep urging me to have a go. I would have forgiven her if she's like that before having her kid. But no. Her explaination is that now she discovers how wonderous motherhood is and so I MUST go for it. Perhaps she's being sincere and sweet. But my evil twin likes to think that she's trying to show off. She's trying to tell me she's having this wonderous experience while I, am losing out on this wonderous experience.

There, she gotten what she wanted. She spoiled my Friday, through and through.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Finally started a blog on my TTC related depression and issues


Yes, finally. I've spent a very very long time agonizing whether or not to start a blog. In truth, ttc/infertility blogs which I've been obssessed with are all from the US or UK, none from Singapore. I wonder why?

Perhaps it's due to fear of being discovered? Privacy being intruded upon? Afterall, what can be worse than laying out in the open for all to see - all 'evil' things ttc related? As such, I have decided on a few measures to ensure that NOBODY, absolutely no one, will be able to read my posts and go 'AHhhhhh! I know! I know who she is!'. Because, the fact remains that this blog will contain nothing pretty. It will be no hold barred. Meaning? Well, simply means the evil twin within me will be unleashed. Yippeeee! I will post about all my evil thoughts, even though I may not really mean them, BUT the fact remains that I do think of them. It's like at times you do wish that someone will drop-dead even though you don't really mean it. Yes, such will be my posts here. Because, this is my blog, about my depression regarding TTC. My evil twin. Because I am NEVER, so NOT like that in real life at all.

Since these few measures are meant to obscure my identity, obviously I can't list them out. So, please don't ask or probe, either.

Alright, the intro has been done. Will be happily posting in the days and months to come :) Yeah, notice I am NOT saying years, since I obviously hope to be pregnant soon.