Again I have to apologize for the lapse in updating....this time round is way too long....last cycle was a bust, naturally, and currently, I am in 2WW again.
Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)
I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.
So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!
And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!
But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.
Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.
Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...
When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...
However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.
I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.
It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.
How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.
2 comments:
It is funny how we all seem to have similar cycles and are all in the 2 week wait right now!
I know exactly what you mean about your friend. A couple years ago I met a girl who was the first person I knew in "real life" who was going through infertility. I comforted her and told her not to get her hopes up just because she was starting Clomid. I tried that, too, I told her, and look where it got me. Well, wouldn't you know, she got pregnant the very cycle we became friends. I was crushed. It was like God gave me an infertile friend only to take her away and shove her pregnancy in my face! I've since come to realize that was not the case, but it was hard to deal with at the time. I hope God can comfort you in this situation.
I'm glad you posted! You're still in my prayers.
Okay I too know EXACTLY how you feel with your friend.
I have somehow accumulated many friends with IF lately and part of me likes for us all to stay together, to suffer together, to share with each other. And there is fear that I will be the last one in the club.
But I know that is selfish of me. I have to remind myself that there is a reason I am not pregnant yet, that my day will come, and I have to try to be happy for them. (of course then I end up usually crying myself to sleep to P because it feels like it will never be my turn.)
So what I am saying is that I am with you.
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