First I must apologize for kind of 'disappearing'. Not just about not blogging, but also, I have not been commenting on my two fav blog - lifehopes and allyouwhohope.
In case you are wondering about me having gotten pregnant and sneaking off....ha ha, nope, I am back in the game again :)
And I didn't comment on your failed cycles which is what I'd normally do, is because, I was then feeling too upset and so un-positive that I just couldn't bring myself to comment. I so wanted both of you to get pregnant, because that will really be so uplifting and positive to myself and the rest of the IF community.
No worries, I am back now :) I am in a good plce, feeling alright.
I will continue the accupuncture but stop taking my TCM herbs from now, so that I can prepare my body to start on clomid after another 2 failed cycles. The reason why I need to stop the chinese herbs is because these herbs are meant to help improved my fertility system, so taking them together with clomid might over-stimulate my ovaries. About 2-3 months are needed to allow the herbs to be totally flushed out of my system.
Another thing which I have started doing, is to sprinkle cinnamon on whatever food I can :) Google cinnamon and you will get the picture. My TCM physician said it won't hurt to try this cinnamon method since cinnamon is a warming food which is good for my uterus and ovaries anyway.
In fact, I thought it might have helped in lessening my cramps this time round!
My fellow blogger friends, CHIN up! We will remain positive, and we will arrive at the day where we will see the BFP on the testing kit, and we will see the tiny sac via ultrasound, and we will hold our babies in our arms!
I pray, and I firmly believe we will do so.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
CD1 - It's just not meant to be, yet
I already knew it's game over once again when my temp dropped yesterday. My BBT is super consistent.
I am feeling perfectly alright, no emotional outburst nor sinking into any deep ends....I continue to function in a neutral state of mind.
I am at peace....and like what lifehopes had posted in her Rome trip post, we need to be thankful for what we already have. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and many other things, and I must remember to be thankful about all those things. My friends may have kids, but we do know their husbands aren't exactly as wonderful, in fact some bordering on being emotionally abusive, so....
I think God is fair. Perhaps he knows, that we have especially blessed in some areas, that's why he feels we can wait longer for a kid to come into the picture. Whereas for some others, a child has to enter into their lives much earlier to make up the areas which are lacking. Yes, that's what I choose to believe. If God meant for us to be patient, then patience it shall be.
Just that I keep wondering, when will that be?
It's been 2 years plus of similar journeys....
During 2ww, once the temp dip, I would be thinking might it be an implantation dip and that the very next day, the temp would go right up again and stay elevated...and voila, BFP.
When will it be our turn - me massaging a swelling tummy, beaming, whilst husband fusses over me?
The feeling of carrying a life within me, feeling it growing, our child.
How will it look like?
There are so many many things we are missing out....we have yet to experience....
I can go on and on, but I will stop here.
It's just not meant to be, yet. When will it be? I am not fertile enough whilst husband is not virile enough.
My TCM Physician told me, relax....do relax....she said the bodies are very clever....once it detects any stress it will not respond positively. So, relax...
Her medicine and accupuncture are meant to strengthen my eggs too, hence I will not try clomid yet. If I want to, I will need to stop TCM for at least 3 months.
Can it happen in 2008 at least?
I am feeling perfectly alright, no emotional outburst nor sinking into any deep ends....I continue to function in a neutral state of mind.
I am at peace....and like what lifehopes had posted in her Rome trip post, we need to be thankful for what we already have. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and many other things, and I must remember to be thankful about all those things. My friends may have kids, but we do know their husbands aren't exactly as wonderful, in fact some bordering on being emotionally abusive, so....
I think God is fair. Perhaps he knows, that we have especially blessed in some areas, that's why he feels we can wait longer for a kid to come into the picture. Whereas for some others, a child has to enter into their lives much earlier to make up the areas which are lacking. Yes, that's what I choose to believe. If God meant for us to be patient, then patience it shall be.
Just that I keep wondering, when will that be?
It's been 2 years plus of similar journeys....
During 2ww, once the temp dip, I would be thinking might it be an implantation dip and that the very next day, the temp would go right up again and stay elevated...and voila, BFP.
When will it be our turn - me massaging a swelling tummy, beaming, whilst husband fusses over me?
The feeling of carrying a life within me, feeling it growing, our child.
How will it look like?
There are so many many things we are missing out....we have yet to experience....
I can go on and on, but I will stop here.
It's just not meant to be, yet. When will it be? I am not fertile enough whilst husband is not virile enough.
My TCM Physician told me, relax....do relax....she said the bodies are very clever....once it detects any stress it will not respond positively. So, relax...
Her medicine and accupuncture are meant to strengthen my eggs too, hence I will not try clomid yet. If I want to, I will need to stop TCM for at least 3 months.
Can it happen in 2008 at least?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Onwards to new cycle again!
Hey, I'm blogging again! :)
First, to respond to the tag from allyouwhohope I ignore her tag last round, so this round I will do it.
Here goes:
1. Why did you start your blog?
Simply to rant and vent about my depression and frustration issues about TTC and IF. It's actually meant to be sort of a hate blog too, since I post ugly tots towards certain people too.
2. How did you come up with your blog name?
It came very natural to me!
3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?
NO!!! If you read my first few posts, this is meant to be my 'secret' blog, which is not supposed to be known by people and family who know me - they know me and my husband as people who do not wish to have children (that's what we wanted last time...). And some of them will flip if they get to read some of the posts since they aren't pretty at all!
That's why, I must apologize for the 'boringness' of this blog. You'd noticed it's mostly TTC related, and I don't blog a lot about other personal and social stuff. I can't elaborate on our trips and outings and other aspects of social life, nor about my career or hobbies etc, because I cannot risk being identified by people whom I know.
4. How do you write posts?
I usually write whilst awaiting ovulation or in 2ww or to announce the cycle has failed...
5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?
Thankfully, Nope!
6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?
I have a counter just to have a general idea, but I don't really care. I care more about people knowing me NOT knowing about this blog!
Yes, I'm done!
Today is a Public Holiday in Singapore here, it's called Vesak Day.
I am in a good mood, because my period is ending soon and I can look forward to a brand new cycle!
The pain was slightly better this time round, and I didn't take any ponstan pills at all. I am going into some details about my period, so apologies for TMI!
It's only painful and crampy during the first two days. How to describe the pain? At best it's a dulling ache, at worst it's like someone trying to rip out my uterus! My uterus and pelvic regions will feel all heavy and aching. I can't walk straight, but I can't sit for long too. The best is to lie on bed in a sideway position, or to actually squat down or to kneel down and lean my upper torso on the floor, well basically any position that doesn't put weight on the pelvic region.
But the worst part are the blood clots. My period is not just about passing out blood, but also passing out blood clots! It's really gross, and I really need to make sure I am near the bathrooms for the first two days to avoid staining! Every time I go to loo to pass urine, out pop the clots too! But with each passing out of the clots, my cramp will be abated. So I believe the cramps are caused by my body wanting to expel these clots.
My gynae explained that these clots are probably from the endo growth into my uterine back walls. My TCM concurred, and added that that's why I need to abstain from cold stuff and try to keep my womb 'hot', as that will help to ease blood flow and prevents less clotting.
I have read up extensively over my adenomyosis condition, and I am thankful that I only suffer two days of pain every month, which in a way can be alleviated by taking ponstan and keeping to a cleaner 'warmer' diet.
Anyone out there who is like me and have gotten pregnant eventually? I believe there are! In time to come, I will too.
First, to respond to the tag from allyouwhohope I ignore her tag last round, so this round I will do it.
Here goes:
1. Why did you start your blog?
Simply to rant and vent about my depression and frustration issues about TTC and IF. It's actually meant to be sort of a hate blog too, since I post ugly tots towards certain people too.
2. How did you come up with your blog name?
It came very natural to me!
3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?
NO!!! If you read my first few posts, this is meant to be my 'secret' blog, which is not supposed to be known by people and family who know me - they know me and my husband as people who do not wish to have children (that's what we wanted last time...). And some of them will flip if they get to read some of the posts since they aren't pretty at all!
That's why, I must apologize for the 'boringness' of this blog. You'd noticed it's mostly TTC related, and I don't blog a lot about other personal and social stuff. I can't elaborate on our trips and outings and other aspects of social life, nor about my career or hobbies etc, because I cannot risk being identified by people whom I know.
4. How do you write posts?
I usually write whilst awaiting ovulation or in 2ww or to announce the cycle has failed...
5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?
Thankfully, Nope!
6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?
I have a counter just to have a general idea, but I don't really care. I care more about people knowing me NOT knowing about this blog!
Yes, I'm done!
Today is a Public Holiday in Singapore here, it's called Vesak Day.
I am in a good mood, because my period is ending soon and I can look forward to a brand new cycle!
The pain was slightly better this time round, and I didn't take any ponstan pills at all. I am going into some details about my period, so apologies for TMI!
It's only painful and crampy during the first two days. How to describe the pain? At best it's a dulling ache, at worst it's like someone trying to rip out my uterus! My uterus and pelvic regions will feel all heavy and aching. I can't walk straight, but I can't sit for long too. The best is to lie on bed in a sideway position, or to actually squat down or to kneel down and lean my upper torso on the floor, well basically any position that doesn't put weight on the pelvic region.
But the worst part are the blood clots. My period is not just about passing out blood, but also passing out blood clots! It's really gross, and I really need to make sure I am near the bathrooms for the first two days to avoid staining! Every time I go to loo to pass urine, out pop the clots too! But with each passing out of the clots, my cramp will be abated. So I believe the cramps are caused by my body wanting to expel these clots.
My gynae explained that these clots are probably from the endo growth into my uterine back walls. My TCM concurred, and added that that's why I need to abstain from cold stuff and try to keep my womb 'hot', as that will help to ease blood flow and prevents less clotting.
I have read up extensively over my adenomyosis condition, and I am thankful that I only suffer two days of pain every month, which in a way can be alleviated by taking ponstan and keeping to a cleaner 'warmer' diet.
Anyone out there who is like me and have gotten pregnant eventually? I believe there are! In time to come, I will too.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Failed cycle again
Sigh, just when I posted about being in 2WW yesterday...well wouldn't you know it...my period came last night. The day when a close friend told me she tested positive was also the day when my period came.
But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.
We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.
I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.
But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.
We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.
I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
2WW now....
Again I have to apologize for the lapse in updating....this time round is way too long....last cycle was a bust, naturally, and currently, I am in 2WW again.
Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)
I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.
So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!
And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!
But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.
Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.
Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...
When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...
However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.
I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.
It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.
How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.
Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)
I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.
So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!
And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!
But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.
Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.
Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...
When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...
However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.
I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.
It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.
How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
CD12....onwards to ovulation
It's a bright cheery sunny Sunday over here in Singapore now :)
And I am in good mood too. It certainly helps that Friday was Good Friday for us here, a Public Holiday. Pity Easter isn't A PH for us though.
I just got back from a business trip last week, so we didn't manage to squeeze in a short vacation trip for this long weekend.
Friday was spent with my side of my family, whilst yesterday morning was spent with my MIL, my DH's side of family. I don't want to go on about things which irked me about them. Suffice to say that my sil's 3rd pregnancy is going along nicely...she's gushing abt how she could feel it in her bones that this time round it's going to be a BOY....I just focused on having fun with her 2 daughters and ignored her.
Alright, enough about them, about DH's side of family.
Thereafter we spend the rest of Saturday lazing around....leisurely swim in our condo pool....a scary spanish movie 'The Orphanage'...great dinner at one of our fav. Italian restaurant....and abit of beer at a Brewery place. Yes, we drank some beer.....we decided to just relax and forget about all the rules...and of course, rounded off Sat night with doing the deed :)
Today will be another slow day for us, I have time and mood to write this post whilst DH having a round of tennis with his buddies.
Whilst trying to TTC, I have made several changes in my lifestyle and diet, and of course more importantly TTC has altered and effected changes on my temperament and character....most of which are pretty negative.
One example of a diet change is cutting out caffeine altogether for the past 2 years. But hey, guess what, since last month I started having some coffee again. If abstaining from caffeine for 2 years didn't help in making me pregnant, then what's the point? Having coffee again, makes me feel more normal at the very least.
And yes, having some beer too. That's more for my DH's benefit.
Now how often have we heard of 'oh we conceived whilst drunk...' that sort of stuff?
Anyway, my TCM physician is saying to me, having a bit of coffee and beer is alright, because more importantly is keeping a relax frame of mind. She said it will happen for us one day, just relax...
I chickened out of clomid this round, but I will do it for the coming cycle. Of course, I hope this cycle can be it.
I have not ovulated yet....in fact last round I ovulated later at CD19/20...previously was CD16/17....I guess it could be the caffeine afterall, but I am not going to think about it.
I want to lead a normal life again, and not obsessed about TTC. It is a fact that we have problems, but we do try to resolve them. We have TCM, we have the vitamins, we do the necessary. There'a nothing much I can do for my adenomyosis condition, but it's supposedy not so serious to the extent of imparing my chances of TTC.
So anyhow, I will take the next step, I will try clomid.
Just a short little note....DH got a male colleague who's going to be a father the third round...now, he's overweight, and his wife is also overweight...but so what? They have no problems conceving at all....
I really wonder...God I really wonder....
Alright, I am not going to lament and go into that direction again. Lamenting about others' seemingly lack of efforts in TTC WILL NOT result in us having higher chances in TTC....it will only pull me down further, so that's that.
Shall end this post, and enjoy the rest of the Sunday :)
Happy Easter to all!
And I am in good mood too. It certainly helps that Friday was Good Friday for us here, a Public Holiday. Pity Easter isn't A PH for us though.
I just got back from a business trip last week, so we didn't manage to squeeze in a short vacation trip for this long weekend.
Friday was spent with my side of my family, whilst yesterday morning was spent with my MIL, my DH's side of family. I don't want to go on about things which irked me about them. Suffice to say that my sil's 3rd pregnancy is going along nicely...she's gushing abt how she could feel it in her bones that this time round it's going to be a BOY....I just focused on having fun with her 2 daughters and ignored her.
Alright, enough about them, about DH's side of family.
Thereafter we spend the rest of Saturday lazing around....leisurely swim in our condo pool....a scary spanish movie 'The Orphanage'...great dinner at one of our fav. Italian restaurant....and abit of beer at a Brewery place. Yes, we drank some beer.....we decided to just relax and forget about all the rules...and of course, rounded off Sat night with doing the deed :)
Today will be another slow day for us, I have time and mood to write this post whilst DH having a round of tennis with his buddies.
Whilst trying to TTC, I have made several changes in my lifestyle and diet, and of course more importantly TTC has altered and effected changes on my temperament and character....most of which are pretty negative.
One example of a diet change is cutting out caffeine altogether for the past 2 years. But hey, guess what, since last month I started having some coffee again. If abstaining from caffeine for 2 years didn't help in making me pregnant, then what's the point? Having coffee again, makes me feel more normal at the very least.
And yes, having some beer too. That's more for my DH's benefit.
Now how often have we heard of 'oh we conceived whilst drunk...' that sort of stuff?
Anyway, my TCM physician is saying to me, having a bit of coffee and beer is alright, because more importantly is keeping a relax frame of mind. She said it will happen for us one day, just relax...
I chickened out of clomid this round, but I will do it for the coming cycle. Of course, I hope this cycle can be it.
I have not ovulated yet....in fact last round I ovulated later at CD19/20...previously was CD16/17....I guess it could be the caffeine afterall, but I am not going to think about it.
I want to lead a normal life again, and not obsessed about TTC. It is a fact that we have problems, but we do try to resolve them. We have TCM, we have the vitamins, we do the necessary. There'a nothing much I can do for my adenomyosis condition, but it's supposedy not so serious to the extent of imparing my chances of TTC.
So anyhow, I will take the next step, I will try clomid.
Just a short little note....DH got a male colleague who's going to be a father the third round...now, he's overweight, and his wife is also overweight...but so what? They have no problems conceving at all....
I really wonder...God I really wonder....
Alright, I am not going to lament and go into that direction again. Lamenting about others' seemingly lack of efforts in TTC WILL NOT result in us having higher chances in TTC....it will only pull me down further, so that's that.
Shall end this post, and enjoy the rest of the Sunday :)
Happy Easter to all!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
CD2
Yup.....it's here again :) Amazingly, I am not too upset about it. One of the reasons is actually due to the two blogs which I frequent....their positive attitudes certainly cheer me on!
We will get there, all of us, definitely, one day.
I am really really sorry for not updating regularly. I really want to, but I just get get around to doing it. I promise to do better.
Will stop here for now!
We will get there, all of us, definitely, one day.
I am really really sorry for not updating regularly. I really want to, but I just get get around to doing it. I promise to do better.
Will stop here for now!
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