CD1 - It's just not meant to be, yet

I already knew it's game over once again when my temp dropped yesterday. My BBT is super consistent.

I am feeling perfectly alright, no emotional outburst nor sinking into any deep ends....I continue to function in a neutral state of mind.

I am at peace....and like what lifehopes had posted in her Rome trip post, we need to be thankful for what we already have. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and many other things, and I must remember to be thankful about all those things. My friends may have kids, but we do know their husbands aren't exactly as wonderful, in fact some bordering on being emotionally abusive, so....

I think God is fair. Perhaps he knows, that we have especially blessed in some areas, that's why he feels we can wait longer for a kid to come into the picture. Whereas for some others, a child has to enter into their lives much earlier to make up the areas which are lacking. Yes, that's what I choose to believe. If God meant for us to be patient, then patience it shall be.

Just that I keep wondering, when will that be?

It's been 2 years plus of similar journeys....

During 2ww, once the temp dip, I would be thinking might it be an implantation dip and that the very next day, the temp would go right up again and stay elevated...and voila, BFP.

When will it be our turn - me massaging a swelling tummy, beaming, whilst husband fusses over me?

The feeling of carrying a life within me, feeling it growing, our child.

How will it look like?

There are so many many things we are missing out....we have yet to experience....

I can go on and on, but I will stop here.

It's just not meant to be, yet. When will it be? I am not fertile enough whilst husband is not virile enough.

My TCM Physician told me, relax....do relax....she said the bodies are very clever....once it detects any stress it will not respond positively. So, relax...
Her medicine and accupuncture are meant to strengthen my eggs too, hence I will not try clomid yet. If I want to, I will need to stop TCM for at least 3 months.

Can it happen in 2008 at least?

DPO10 & TCM visit

I enjoyed going for my TCM because the physician is such a lovely lady. She's always so calm and reassuring.

She felt my pulse and I told her woefully that I didn't have any 'pregnant' feeling. She smiled and nodded. She couldn't detect either but she told me DPO10 was still too early for most people. Oh well, I know she's trying to cheer me up. Then she asked the usual questions whilst she did the accupuncture on me. I collected both my and DH's med and drove over to Orchard for - you guessed it right - retail therapy. AND emotional eating.

I did some christmas shopping in a detached mode. I wasn't feeling overtly depressed. I didn't have that doomed heavy feeling in the pits of my stomach. I was simply, unfeeling. Very detached.

With both hands full of shopping bags, I sat down for my full fat toffee nut latte. I don't care. I deserved some caffeine. I've been deprived for so long. And I had my favourite new york cheesecake. I already thought of where to have dinner later with DH.I want to have loads of meat and cheese and fats.

So what if DH and I both look like the perfect specimens of VIBRANT health? So what if we both keep up a healthy regime of regular exercise and diet? So what if we look great? We aren't so great internally.

I really HATE it when I see fat waddling women pregnant. I really fucking hate it when people whom I know of and who clearly didn't deserve kids have them. I hate it when people told me they got pregnant on their first try or that it's a Oops pregnancy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

And I left out something unwritten about friend A in my earlier post. She subsequently im that they had started trying again last month. But then she got her period. YES, I am happy about it. Did she think that she will strike on their first try the second round as well?

Dear GOD, you wouldn't be that cruel towards me, right?

I pray, yes I pray. Please GOD, at least allow me to get pregnant before A. Please don't let her have it too easy. Alright, there, I've said it. See what a horrible person I have become? I have been consumed by the infertility monster. A is my BBF, and this is what I wished for her.