Hey, I'm blogging again! :)
First, to respond to the tag from allyouwhohope I ignore her tag last round, so this round I will do it.
Here goes:
1. Why did you start your blog?
Simply to rant and vent about my depression and frustration issues about TTC and IF. It's actually meant to be sort of a hate blog too, since I post ugly tots towards certain people too.
2. How did you come up with your blog name?
It came very natural to me!
3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?
NO!!! If you read my first few posts, this is meant to be my 'secret' blog, which is not supposed to be known by people and family who know me - they know me and my husband as people who do not wish to have children (that's what we wanted last time...). And some of them will flip if they get to read some of the posts since they aren't pretty at all!
That's why, I must apologize for the 'boringness' of this blog. You'd noticed it's mostly TTC related, and I don't blog a lot about other personal and social stuff. I can't elaborate on our trips and outings and other aspects of social life, nor about my career or hobbies etc, because I cannot risk being identified by people whom I know.
4. How do you write posts?
I usually write whilst awaiting ovulation or in 2ww or to announce the cycle has failed...
5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?
Thankfully, Nope!
6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?
I have a counter just to have a general idea, but I don't really care. I care more about people knowing me NOT knowing about this blog!
Yes, I'm done!
Today is a Public Holiday in Singapore here, it's called Vesak Day.
I am in a good mood, because my period is ending soon and I can look forward to a brand new cycle!
The pain was slightly better this time round, and I didn't take any ponstan pills at all. I am going into some details about my period, so apologies for TMI!
It's only painful and crampy during the first two days. How to describe the pain? At best it's a dulling ache, at worst it's like someone trying to rip out my uterus! My uterus and pelvic regions will feel all heavy and aching. I can't walk straight, but I can't sit for long too. The best is to lie on bed in a sideway position, or to actually squat down or to kneel down and lean my upper torso on the floor, well basically any position that doesn't put weight on the pelvic region.
But the worst part are the blood clots. My period is not just about passing out blood, but also passing out blood clots! It's really gross, and I really need to make sure I am near the bathrooms for the first two days to avoid staining! Every time I go to loo to pass urine, out pop the clots too! But with each passing out of the clots, my cramp will be abated. So I believe the cramps are caused by my body wanting to expel these clots.
My gynae explained that these clots are probably from the endo growth into my uterine back walls. My TCM concurred, and added that that's why I need to abstain from cold stuff and try to keep my womb 'hot', as that will help to ease blood flow and prevents less clotting.
I have read up extensively over my adenomyosis condition, and I am thankful that I only suffer two days of pain every month, which in a way can be alleviated by taking ponstan and keeping to a cleaner 'warmer' diet.
Anyone out there who is like me and have gotten pregnant eventually? I believe there are! In time to come, I will too.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Failed cycle again
Sigh, just when I posted about being in 2WW yesterday...well wouldn't you know it...my period came last night. The day when a close friend told me she tested positive was also the day when my period came.
But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.
We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.
I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.
But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.
We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.
I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
2WW now....
Again I have to apologize for the lapse in updating....this time round is way too long....last cycle was a bust, naturally, and currently, I am in 2WW again.
Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)
I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.
So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!
And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!
But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.
Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.
Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...
When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...
However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.
I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.
It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.
How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.
Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)
I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.
So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!
And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!
But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.
Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.
Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...
When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...
However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.
I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.
It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.
How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
CD12....onwards to ovulation
It's a bright cheery sunny Sunday over here in Singapore now :)
And I am in good mood too. It certainly helps that Friday was Good Friday for us here, a Public Holiday. Pity Easter isn't A PH for us though.
I just got back from a business trip last week, so we didn't manage to squeeze in a short vacation trip for this long weekend.
Friday was spent with my side of my family, whilst yesterday morning was spent with my MIL, my DH's side of family. I don't want to go on about things which irked me about them. Suffice to say that my sil's 3rd pregnancy is going along nicely...she's gushing abt how she could feel it in her bones that this time round it's going to be a BOY....I just focused on having fun with her 2 daughters and ignored her.
Alright, enough about them, about DH's side of family.
Thereafter we spend the rest of Saturday lazing around....leisurely swim in our condo pool....a scary spanish movie 'The Orphanage'...great dinner at one of our fav. Italian restaurant....and abit of beer at a Brewery place. Yes, we drank some beer.....we decided to just relax and forget about all the rules...and of course, rounded off Sat night with doing the deed :)
Today will be another slow day for us, I have time and mood to write this post whilst DH having a round of tennis with his buddies.
Whilst trying to TTC, I have made several changes in my lifestyle and diet, and of course more importantly TTC has altered and effected changes on my temperament and character....most of which are pretty negative.
One example of a diet change is cutting out caffeine altogether for the past 2 years. But hey, guess what, since last month I started having some coffee again. If abstaining from caffeine for 2 years didn't help in making me pregnant, then what's the point? Having coffee again, makes me feel more normal at the very least.
And yes, having some beer too. That's more for my DH's benefit.
Now how often have we heard of 'oh we conceived whilst drunk...' that sort of stuff?
Anyway, my TCM physician is saying to me, having a bit of coffee and beer is alright, because more importantly is keeping a relax frame of mind. She said it will happen for us one day, just relax...
I chickened out of clomid this round, but I will do it for the coming cycle. Of course, I hope this cycle can be it.
I have not ovulated yet....in fact last round I ovulated later at CD19/20...previously was CD16/17....I guess it could be the caffeine afterall, but I am not going to think about it.
I want to lead a normal life again, and not obsessed about TTC. It is a fact that we have problems, but we do try to resolve them. We have TCM, we have the vitamins, we do the necessary. There'a nothing much I can do for my adenomyosis condition, but it's supposedy not so serious to the extent of imparing my chances of TTC.
So anyhow, I will take the next step, I will try clomid.
Just a short little note....DH got a male colleague who's going to be a father the third round...now, he's overweight, and his wife is also overweight...but so what? They have no problems conceving at all....
I really wonder...God I really wonder....
Alright, I am not going to lament and go into that direction again. Lamenting about others' seemingly lack of efforts in TTC WILL NOT result in us having higher chances in TTC....it will only pull me down further, so that's that.
Shall end this post, and enjoy the rest of the Sunday :)
Happy Easter to all!
And I am in good mood too. It certainly helps that Friday was Good Friday for us here, a Public Holiday. Pity Easter isn't A PH for us though.
I just got back from a business trip last week, so we didn't manage to squeeze in a short vacation trip for this long weekend.
Friday was spent with my side of my family, whilst yesterday morning was spent with my MIL, my DH's side of family. I don't want to go on about things which irked me about them. Suffice to say that my sil's 3rd pregnancy is going along nicely...she's gushing abt how she could feel it in her bones that this time round it's going to be a BOY....I just focused on having fun with her 2 daughters and ignored her.
Alright, enough about them, about DH's side of family.
Thereafter we spend the rest of Saturday lazing around....leisurely swim in our condo pool....a scary spanish movie 'The Orphanage'...great dinner at one of our fav. Italian restaurant....and abit of beer at a Brewery place. Yes, we drank some beer.....we decided to just relax and forget about all the rules...and of course, rounded off Sat night with doing the deed :)
Today will be another slow day for us, I have time and mood to write this post whilst DH having a round of tennis with his buddies.
Whilst trying to TTC, I have made several changes in my lifestyle and diet, and of course more importantly TTC has altered and effected changes on my temperament and character....most of which are pretty negative.
One example of a diet change is cutting out caffeine altogether for the past 2 years. But hey, guess what, since last month I started having some coffee again. If abstaining from caffeine for 2 years didn't help in making me pregnant, then what's the point? Having coffee again, makes me feel more normal at the very least.
And yes, having some beer too. That's more for my DH's benefit.
Now how often have we heard of 'oh we conceived whilst drunk...' that sort of stuff?
Anyway, my TCM physician is saying to me, having a bit of coffee and beer is alright, because more importantly is keeping a relax frame of mind. She said it will happen for us one day, just relax...
I chickened out of clomid this round, but I will do it for the coming cycle. Of course, I hope this cycle can be it.
I have not ovulated yet....in fact last round I ovulated later at CD19/20...previously was CD16/17....I guess it could be the caffeine afterall, but I am not going to think about it.
I want to lead a normal life again, and not obsessed about TTC. It is a fact that we have problems, but we do try to resolve them. We have TCM, we have the vitamins, we do the necessary. There'a nothing much I can do for my adenomyosis condition, but it's supposedy not so serious to the extent of imparing my chances of TTC.
So anyhow, I will take the next step, I will try clomid.
Just a short little note....DH got a male colleague who's going to be a father the third round...now, he's overweight, and his wife is also overweight...but so what? They have no problems conceving at all....
I really wonder...God I really wonder....
Alright, I am not going to lament and go into that direction again. Lamenting about others' seemingly lack of efforts in TTC WILL NOT result in us having higher chances in TTC....it will only pull me down further, so that's that.
Shall end this post, and enjoy the rest of the Sunday :)
Happy Easter to all!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
CD2
Yup.....it's here again :) Amazingly, I am not too upset about it. One of the reasons is actually due to the two blogs which I frequent....their positive attitudes certainly cheer me on!
We will get there, all of us, definitely, one day.
I am really really sorry for not updating regularly. I really want to, but I just get get around to doing it. I promise to do better.
Will stop here for now!
We will get there, all of us, definitely, one day.
I am really really sorry for not updating regularly. I really want to, but I just get get around to doing it. I promise to do better.
Will stop here for now!
Monday, February 11, 2008
CD4
Sorry for not updating my blog for more than 2 weeks now… …
Allyouwhohope – thanks for asking after me. Hey I’m fine, short of being pregnant…..
I wish I could have announced that I got a BFP, but, well, no.
AF came on Friday, whilst we were relaxing by the sea in Bintan, Indonesia.
Yes, I had to have the obligatory reunion dinner with my mil during Chinese New Year Eve on last Wednesday. Then the next day, we took the ferry to Bintan for a 3 days 2 nights trip. It’s freaking expensive, but well worth it, simply because I could get away from all the gatherings of relatives and friends and colleagues.
This time round I had a 14 days LP, usually more often than not it’s 12-13. Needless to say, on DPO14, last Thursday that is, though my temperature did take a dip, I was hoping that perhaps it’s an implantation dip? Well, no. AF came on Friday.
I was alright, though. I guess relaxing by the sea did help tremendously. We discussed about what’s next too. Should we move straight to IUI? I have never tried clomid as yet. We are thinking it might not work since I have adenomoysis and DH has only a 5% morphology. Any advice?
I have had time to ponder over many stuff over the trip. I thought of coming back to blog about the changes in myself ever since I started to TTC and to suffer the bane of infertility. Oh my….all the countless silly antics too….
A part of me wishes to remain status-quo. Still hoping so much that we can get pregnant via the ‘natural way’.
But another part of me, laments that if we have moved on to IUI last year (after 1 years plus of TTC), perhaps I will be sporting a bump now, or even carrying a baby in my arms now. Simply typing that out, makes my heart aches real bad.
I have to stop here for now, will continue soon.
Allyouwhohope – thanks for asking after me. Hey I’m fine, short of being pregnant…..
I wish I could have announced that I got a BFP, but, well, no.
AF came on Friday, whilst we were relaxing by the sea in Bintan, Indonesia.
Yes, I had to have the obligatory reunion dinner with my mil during Chinese New Year Eve on last Wednesday. Then the next day, we took the ferry to Bintan for a 3 days 2 nights trip. It’s freaking expensive, but well worth it, simply because I could get away from all the gatherings of relatives and friends and colleagues.
This time round I had a 14 days LP, usually more often than not it’s 12-13. Needless to say, on DPO14, last Thursday that is, though my temperature did take a dip, I was hoping that perhaps it’s an implantation dip? Well, no. AF came on Friday.
I was alright, though. I guess relaxing by the sea did help tremendously. We discussed about what’s next too. Should we move straight to IUI? I have never tried clomid as yet. We are thinking it might not work since I have adenomoysis and DH has only a 5% morphology. Any advice?
I have had time to ponder over many stuff over the trip. I thought of coming back to blog about the changes in myself ever since I started to TTC and to suffer the bane of infertility. Oh my….all the countless silly antics too….
A part of me wishes to remain status-quo. Still hoping so much that we can get pregnant via the ‘natural way’.
But another part of me, laments that if we have moved on to IUI last year (after 1 years plus of TTC), perhaps I will be sporting a bump now, or even carrying a baby in my arms now. Simply typing that out, makes my heart aches real bad.
I have to stop here for now, will continue soon.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
CD12
Nothing much to update. Patiently awaiting ovulation and implantation and BFP!
Have I mentioned that CNY is around the corner? I am still trying to arrange for some getaway. I don't think I can stand it, being surrounded by well-meaning (hey hey, spot the positivism at work here, of course I meant NOSEY) relatives with that same question. It's weird, since they knew long ago that we don't intend to have kids at all, yet they never fail to ask the same old question year after year after year. It used to be fun to rebutt them, back when we really didn't plan on having any. OF course, things have changed. The CNY year before last year, was still bearable. Last year was harder BUT, still okay. For this coming round, I don't think I can face it. I will be surrounded by fertile younger cousins left, right, center.
This is one of the blogs I read: http://waitingforlife-lifehopes.blogspot.com/
She posted about being positive and imagining her best case scenario.
For myself, I have SEVERAL versions of pregnant scenarios. One of which will involve annoucing my pregnancy during CNY, and smiling in a what-to-do-accidents-do-happen manner. Ha ha ha.....yes, all of you can start laughing.....
Which brings me to something - ever since I am having TTC issues, I begin to really wonder whenever some people spoke of their pregnancies as 'accidents'. Who knows, maybe they had been trying for years. I guess that helps to make me feel better?
Alright, I am going to end this entry, because it's no fun at all. Writing it simply makes me feeling down, and I don't want that sort of feeling.
Just like to end it off, by reposting my comment which I posted in lifehopes's blog:
- Over in Singapore, we have a TTC forum, and there hv been a number of ex endo sufferers who shared their BFP success stories after laps etc.
So, be POSITIVE!!!!
At least, you can do lap to remove your endo. Unlike me, I suffer from adenomyosis where the endo tissue grows into my uterine walls, which means I can't operate on it, short of removing the womb!
BUT, we must stay positive and NOT LOSE hope :)
Stay positive, practice an endo-friendly diet and lifestyle. Think ZEN.
Me of all people, know that it's VERY difficult, esp. when surrounded by fertile pp all over.
But, our day will come, eventually.
ps - instead of updating my blog, I spend my time reading others and commenting...hahaha...am I in denial or what....
-end of comment
Have I mentioned that CNY is around the corner? I am still trying to arrange for some getaway. I don't think I can stand it, being surrounded by well-meaning (hey hey, spot the positivism at work here, of course I meant NOSEY) relatives with that same question. It's weird, since they knew long ago that we don't intend to have kids at all, yet they never fail to ask the same old question year after year after year. It used to be fun to rebutt them, back when we really didn't plan on having any. OF course, things have changed. The CNY year before last year, was still bearable. Last year was harder BUT, still okay. For this coming round, I don't think I can face it. I will be surrounded by fertile younger cousins left, right, center.
This is one of the blogs I read: http://waitingforlife-lifehopes.blogspot.com/
She posted about being positive and imagining her best case scenario.
For myself, I have SEVERAL versions of pregnant scenarios. One of which will involve annoucing my pregnancy during CNY, and smiling in a what-to-do-accidents-do-happen manner. Ha ha ha.....yes, all of you can start laughing.....
Which brings me to something - ever since I am having TTC issues, I begin to really wonder whenever some people spoke of their pregnancies as 'accidents'. Who knows, maybe they had been trying for years. I guess that helps to make me feel better?
Alright, I am going to end this entry, because it's no fun at all. Writing it simply makes me feeling down, and I don't want that sort of feeling.
Just like to end it off, by reposting my comment which I posted in lifehopes's blog:
- Over in Singapore, we have a TTC forum, and there hv been a number of ex endo sufferers who shared their BFP success stories after laps etc.
So, be POSITIVE!!!!
At least, you can do lap to remove your endo. Unlike me, I suffer from adenomyosis where the endo tissue grows into my uterine walls, which means I can't operate on it, short of removing the womb!
BUT, we must stay positive and NOT LOSE hope :)
Stay positive, practice an endo-friendly diet and lifestyle. Think ZEN.
Me of all people, know that it's VERY difficult, esp. when surrounded by fertile pp all over.
But, our day will come, eventually.
ps - instead of updating my blog, I spend my time reading others and commenting...hahaha...am I in denial or what....
-end of comment
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