CD6 - A sense of uplifted-ness amidst the blues....

I just want to thank and so so so much....,for your comments.

And in particular, I draw much joy and comfort from this entry -


Allyouwhohope, thanks so much for this entry. You have no idea how it's helped to lifted me for a moment! I also can't really explain why. Perhaps it's the comforting image of the 2 of you chatting and sharing away....perhaps it's just a sense of feeling 'not-so-alone'. And your cooment - 'while neither of us is very optimistic for ourselves, we are very optimistic for each other' - that's so very true! We definitely have lots of hope for one another!

And I just read the most recent entry of waitingforlife, and yes, I am TOTALLY with you -

'Anyone ever feel completely and totally worthless in the midst of infertility? It's a relentless thief that robs you of EVERYTHING. It robs you of your hope, of your dreams, of your passions, it leaves you feeling empty-handed. You feel like a wilted flower, waiting to fall off its stem.'

It's what I REALLY hate aboutbeing infertile. It's like, nothing else matters, simply because I am barren. Childless. Can't even pregnant once to save my life.

And there are the others. Other women who can be deemed 'worthless' or not as desirable, but HELLO, that ceases to matter so long as they actually have kids.

Many a times, I would see a woman around, and wondering about her sense of dressing or weight issue or just her weird mannerism, and then this little cute creature will run up and call out 'mummy!' And it would dawn on me that , well, in fact, I, I AM the weird one around. Dressed professionally, so what? Behaving politely, so what?? Nice career and fine dining and travelling and all the frills, SO what??!! I am infertile. Childless.

Alright, I shouldn't go on along this note, so I shall sign off for now....

CD5 - second failed clomid cycle

Yes, the second round didn't work for me either. I was on 100mg....and ovulated around CD16/17, with ultrasound showing normal ovulation as compared to in the past. So clomid didn't help me to ovulate faster, nor more eggs....

Decided to take a break and just, just be 'natural'....

My gynae explained that clmoid probably didn't work because of my adenomyosis condition. The estrogens/hormones from the endo attached to my uterus back walls probably 'prevented' clomid from working its magic. My own hormones have a mind of their own.

Granted, I do ovulate. Just that there's a slim chance of pregnancy given my adenomyosis conditon and husband's low motility....

We shall plough on. Afterall, it's been almost 3 years....

I am sorry that this is just a quick update.

I hope I will brighten up soon.

Sometimes, whatever other good things I try to appreciate in my life, simply doesn't work, just.because.

We are infertile.

We simply can't get pregnant.

2nd clomid cycle - CD10

Well, I just came off from allyouwhohope blog, and decided to update my blog rightaway! Woo Hoo!

My first clomid cycle was a bust. I took it from CD5 to CD9. Ultrasound at my gynae on CD13 showed 2 follicles in my left ovary, but they weren't of big enough size, meaning clomid didn't work on me and I didn't ovulate earlier at CD14. Charting showed me ovulating around CD17/18.....

It's a dark period for me then. I was really depressed then. I really thought that, hey, it might worked the 1st round and I would be pregnant. In those darkest moments, I drew alot of strength from allyouwhohope and waitingforlife blogs. Thanks, thank so much for your entries, and prayers.

I was on 100mg clomid this second round. I didn't feel anything weird whilst taking it from CD2 to CD6, BUT since then, I started having quite bad water retention. My eyes feel pretty swollen. My left ovary was achy and crampy on CD8 and CD9 too. Perhaps that means I am ovulating soon. Our weekend will be busy :)

I am feeling much calmer now. The reason for not updating, well, just don't have much to say nor share :(

But I just wish comment that - over here in Singapore, our papers reporting about the US election, tends to lean in favor of Obama. McCain seems to come across as not as politically-intelligent whilst Pralin is embroiled in series of 'corruption investigations'. Therefore it's been really interesting to read about the different perspective offered in allyouwhohope blog.

Alright, I am sorry that I just hve to end here, because really, there's nothing more to say. Will conitnue to pray for everyone!!!

CD7 - clomid 3rd day

I thank God that I didn't suffer severe side effects from the 50mg clomid, which I started on Fri, CD5. I am to take it from CD5 to CD9, and to go for scan on CD13, Sat.

1st day, I got kinda woozy, but work kept me focused, and I am really grateful for that! Otherwise I would be agonizing over every single twitch and itch and sensation! Yesterday was alright. Today, my uterus and ovaries feel kinda achy...not even sure how to describe that sensation. It's not painful, nor sore, just....aching....

Are all these normal?

ON the other hand, I wonder whether it will be better to have stronger reactions??? Since that will mean it's taking an effect on me? Sigh.

Alright will post again soon :)

Take care everyone. I am praying for all of us!

CLOMID here I comes!!!

WHOA!!! I finally did it!

It's all very fast....my gynae was able to squeeze me in around 630pm...I zipped down in a flash, had a brief consultation with her and collected the clomid!

I didn't let my husband know....so that he won't be stressed out!

:)

Of course I hope I can be lucky the first time round, BUT, even if it does't work out, at least I am happy to know that I have taken the step to try it :)

Our country needs more babies......

I have many tots, but for now I just want to post something different.....well, it's still about babies though.

In Singapore, every year, after we celebrate our National Day on 9 Aug, our Prime Minister will deliver his Rally Speech, during which he will outline and speak at length about challenges and significant issues faced by Singapore, and at the same time, announce new schemes and policies.

And well, for this year, one focus is actually on our failing birth rate. Yes, we are in need of more babies. And our Government are prepared to fund a slew of incentives etc to encourage couple to have more babies.....

Sigh.

If any of you are interested in the details, you can read here: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/nationalday/rally_engvideo.htm
(check out 'pro-baby measures to boost birthrate')

For preggies around me, they are HAPPY, since they will be enjoying 4 months of maternity leave, which is one more month compared to previous 3 months leave. NOtably is one of my staff, the one who got preggy right after she's married.

On a separate note, last week, it suddenly dawns on me that the early signs have always been there - that I am just not fertile.

I stayed in Uni hostel throughout my 4 years of Uni education, and towards the last 2 years, I was practically cohabitating with my then boyfriend. I wasn't on the pill, and we combined condoms with my regular cycle as a form of birth control. I remembered on couple of occasions we were worried about getting pregnant, but, haha...I never, obviously.

Fast forward more than a decade later, and I learnt from mutual friends that my ex is a father of 2. And me...zero.

So, let's do the sums.....we were then at our supposedly most fertile and virile peak...basically like bunnies (sorry TMI)....and no, no, not pregnant. I mean of course it's a blessing that I didn't get pregnant then, but, I am sure you get the drift.

Sorry, that's just one the many tots I need to get it out of my system.

I think I need to do a random post soon, penning down all the various random tots, which are unfortunately, all fertility-related....

CD1

A quick note - CD 1 today :)

Not to wory, am in a good place and calm and serene.

Dropped an email to my gynae about collecting clomid from her office :)

Have many tots and things to share.....soon to come :)

Thanks for all the prayers :)