ttcdepression

CD6 - A sense of uplifted-ness amidst the blues....

2008-10-23T22:12:00.002+08:00

I just want to thank and so so so much....,for your comments.

And in particular, I draw much joy and comfort from this entry -

Allyouwhohope, thanks so much for this entry. You have no idea how it's helped to lifted me for a moment! I also can't really explain why. Perhaps it's the comforting image of the 2 of you chatting and sharing away....perhaps it's just a sense of feeling 'not-so-alone'. And your cooment - 'while neither of us is very optimistic for ourselves, we are very optimistic for each other' - that's so very true! We definitely have lots of hope for one another!

And I just read the most recent entry of waitingforlife, and yes, I am TOTALLY with you -

'Anyone ever feel completely and totally worthless in the midst of infertility? It's a relentless thief that robs you of EVERYTHING. It robs you of your hope, of your dreams, of your passions, it leaves you feeling empty-handed. You feel like a wilted flower, waiting to fall off its stem.'

It's what I REALLY hate aboutbeing infertile. It's like, nothing else matters, simply because I am barren. Childless. Can't even pregnant once to save my life.

And there are the others. Other women who can be deemed 'worthless' or not as desirable, but HELLO, that ceases to matter so long as they actually have kids.

Many a times, I would see a woman around, and wondering about her sense of dressing or weight issue or just her weird mannerism, and then this little cute creature will run up and call out 'mummy!' And it would dawn on me that , well, in fact, I, I AM the weird one around. Dressed professionally, so what? Behaving politely, so what?? Nice career and fine dining and travelling and all the frills, SO what??!! I am infertile. Childless.

Alright, I shouldn't go on along this note, so I shall sign off for now....

CD5 - second failed clomid cycle

2008-10-22T23:16:00.003+08:00

Yes, the second round didn't work for me either. I was on 100mg....and ovulated around CD16/17, with ultrasound showing normal ovulation as compared to in the past. So clomid didn't help me to ovulate faster, nor more eggs....

Decided to take a break and just, just be 'natural'....

My gynae explained that clmoid probably didn't work because of my adenomyosis condition. The estrogens/hormones from the endo attached to my uterus back walls probably 'prevented' clomid from working its magic. My own hormones have a mind of their own.

Granted, I do ovulate. Just that there's a slim chance of pregnancy given my adenomyosis conditon and husband's low motility....

We shall plough on. Afterall, it's been almost 3 years....

I am sorry that this is just a quick update.

I hope I will brighten up soon.

Sometimes, whatever other good things I try to appreciate in my life, simply doesn't work, just.because.

We are infertile.

We simply can't get pregnant.

2nd clomid cycle - CD10

2008-09-27T21:50:00.002+08:00

Well, I just came off from allyouwhohope blog, and decided to update my blog rightaway! Woo Hoo!

My first clomid cycle was a bust. I took it from CD5 to CD9. Ultrasound at my gynae on CD13 showed 2 follicles in my left ovary, but they weren't of big enough size, meaning clomid didn't work on me and I didn't ovulate earlier at CD14. Charting showed me ovulating around CD17/18.....

It's a dark period for me then. I was really depressed then. I really thought that, hey, it might worked the 1st round and I would be pregnant. In those darkest moments, I drew alot of strength from allyouwhohope and waitingforlife blogs. Thanks, thank so much for your entries, and prayers.

I was on 100mg clomid this second round. I didn't feel anything weird whilst taking it from CD2 to CD6, BUT since then, I started having quite bad water retention. My eyes feel pretty swollen. My left ovary was achy and crampy on CD8 and CD9 too. Perhaps that means I am ovulating soon. Our weekend will be busy :)

I am feeling much calmer now. The reason for not updating, well, just don't have much to say nor share :(

But I just wish comment that - over here in Singapore, our papers reporting about the US election, tends to lean in favor of Obama. McCain seems to come across as not as politically-intelligent whilst Pralin is embroiled in series of 'corruption investigations'. Therefore it's been really interesting to read about the different perspective offered in allyouwhohope blog.

Alright, I am sorry that I just hve to end here, because really, there's nothing more to say. Will conitnue to pray for everyone!!!

CD7 - clomid 3rd day

2008-08-24T20:37:00.002+08:00

I thank God that I didn't suffer severe side effects from the 50mg clomid, which I started on Fri, CD5. I am to take it from CD5 to CD9, and to go for scan on CD13, Sat.

1st day, I got kinda woozy, but work kept me focused, and I am really grateful for that! Otherwise I would be agonizing over every single twitch and itch and sensation! Yesterday was alright. Today, my uterus and ovaries feel kinda achy...not even sure how to describe that sensation. It's not painful, nor sore, just....aching....

Are all these normal?

ON the other hand, I wonder whether it will be better to have stronger reactions??? Since that will mean it's taking an effect on me? Sigh.

Alright will post again soon :)

Take care everyone. I am praying for all of us!

CLOMID here I comes!!!

2008-08-20T21:22:00.002+08:00

WHOA!!! I finally did it!

It's all very fast....my gynae was able to squeeze me in around 630pm...I zipped down in a flash, had a brief consultation with her and collected the clomid!

I didn't let my husband know....so that he won't be stressed out!

:)

Of course I hope I can be lucky the first time round, BUT, even if it does't work out, at least I am happy to know that I have taken the step to try it :)

Our country needs more babies......

2008-08-19T21:28:00.002+08:00

I have many tots, but for now I just want to post something different.....well, it's still about babies though.

In Singapore, every year, after we celebrate our National Day on 9 Aug, our Prime Minister will deliver his Rally Speech, during which he will outline and speak at length about challenges and significant issues faced by Singapore, and at the same time, announce new schemes and policies.

And well, for this year, one focus is actually on our failing birth rate. Yes, we are in need of more babies. And our Government are prepared to fund a slew of incentives etc to encourage couple to have more babies.....

Sigh.

If any of you are interested in the details, you can read here: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/nationalday/rally_engvideo.htm
(check out 'pro-baby measures to boost birthrate')

For preggies around me, they are HAPPY, since they will be enjoying 4 months of maternity leave, which is one more month compared to previous 3 months leave. NOtably is one of my staff, the one who got preggy right after she's married.

On a separate note, last week, it suddenly dawns on me that the early signs have always been there - that I am just not fertile.

I stayed in Uni hostel throughout my 4 years of Uni education, and towards the last 2 years, I was practically cohabitating with my then boyfriend. I wasn't on the pill, and we combined condoms with my regular cycle as a form of birth control. I remembered on couple of occasions we were worried about getting pregnant, but, haha...I never, obviously.

Fast forward more than a decade later, and I learnt from mutual friends that my ex is a father of 2. And me...zero.

So, let's do the sums.....we were then at our supposedly most fertile and virile peak...basically like bunnies (sorry TMI)....and no, no, not pregnant. I mean of course it's a blessing that I didn't get pregnant then, but, I am sure you get the drift.

Sorry, that's just one the many tots I need to get it out of my system.

I think I need to do a random post soon, penning down all the various random tots, which are unfortunately, all fertility-related....

CD1

2008-08-18T20:31:00.001+08:00

A quick note - CD 1 today :)

Not to wory, am in a good place and calm and serene.

Dropped an email to my gynae about collecting clomid from her office :)

Have many tots and things to share.....soon to come :)

Thanks for all the prayers :)

CD2

2008-07-20T20:20:00.002+08:00

First I must apologize for kind of 'disappearing'. Not just about not blogging, but also, I have not been commenting on my two fav blog - lifehopes and allyouwhohope.

In case you are wondering about me having gotten pregnant and sneaking off....ha ha, nope, I am back in the game again :)

And I didn't comment on your failed cycles which is what I'd normally do, is because, I was then feeling too upset and so un-positive that I just couldn't bring myself to comment. I so wanted both of you to get pregnant, because that will really be so uplifting and positive to myself and the rest of the IF community.

No worries, I am back now :) I am in a good plce, feeling alright.

I will continue the accupuncture but stop taking my TCM herbs from now, so that I can prepare my body to start on clomid after another 2 failed cycles. The reason why I need to stop the chinese herbs is because these herbs are meant to help improved my fertility system, so taking them together with clomid might over-stimulate my ovaries. About 2-3 months are needed to allow the herbs to be totally flushed out of my system.

Another thing which I have started doing, is to sprinkle cinnamon on whatever food I can :) Google cinnamon and you will get the picture. My TCM physician said it won't hurt to try this cinnamon method since cinnamon is a warming food which is good for my uterus and ovaries anyway.

In fact, I thought it might have helped in lessening my cramps this time round!

My fellow blogger friends, CHIN up! We will remain positive, and we will arrive at the day where we will see the BFP on the testing kit, and we will see the tiny sac via ultrasound, and we will hold our babies in our arms!

I pray, and I firmly believe we will do so.

CD1 - It's just not meant to be, yet

2008-06-17T20:54:00.002+08:00

I already knew it's game over once again when my temp dropped yesterday. My BBT is super consistent.

I am feeling perfectly alright, no emotional outburst nor sinking into any deep ends....I continue to function in a neutral state of mind.

I am at peace....and like what lifehopes had posted in her Rome trip post, we need to be thankful for what we already have. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and many other things, and I must remember to be thankful about all those things. My friends may have kids, but we do know their husbands aren't exactly as wonderful, in fact some bordering on being emotionally abusive, so....

I think God is fair. Perhaps he knows, that we have especially blessed in some areas, that's why he feels we can wait longer for a kid to come into the picture. Whereas for some others, a child has to enter into their lives much earlier to make up the areas which are lacking. Yes, that's what I choose to believe. If God meant for us to be patient, then patience it shall be.

Just that I keep wondering, when will that be?

It's been 2 years plus of similar journeys....

During 2ww, once the temp dip, I would be thinking might it be an implantation dip and that the very next day, the temp would go right up again and stay elevated...and voila, BFP.

When will it be our turn - me massaging a swelling tummy, beaming, whilst husband fusses over me?

The feeling of carrying a life within me, feeling it growing, our child.

How will it look like?

There are so many many things we are missing out....we have yet to experience....

I can go on and on, but I will stop here.

It's just not meant to be, yet. When will it be? I am not fertile enough whilst husband is not virile enough.

My TCM Physician told me, relax....do relax....she said the bodies are very clever....once it detects any stress it will not respond positively. So, relax...
Her medicine and accupuncture are meant to strengthen my eggs too, hence I will not try clomid yet. If I want to, I will need to stop TCM for at least 3 months.

Can it happen in 2008 at least?

Onwards to new cycle again!

2008-05-19T10:27:00.005+08:00

Hey, I'm blogging again! :)

First, to respond to the tag from allyouwhohope I ignore her tag last round, so this round I will do it.

Here goes:

1. Why did you start your blog?

Simply to rant and vent about my depression and frustration issues about TTC and IF. It's actually meant to be sort of a hate blog too, since I post ugly tots towards certain people too.

2. How did you come up with your blog name?

It came very natural to me!

3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?

NO!!! If you read my first few posts, this is meant to be my 'secret' blog, which is not supposed to be known by people and family who know me - they know me and my husband as people who do not wish to have children (that's what we wanted last time...). And some of them will flip if they get to read some of the posts since they aren't pretty at all!

That's why, I must apologize for the 'boringness' of this blog. You'd noticed it's mostly TTC related, and I don't blog a lot about other personal and social stuff. I can't elaborate on our trips and outings and other aspects of social life, nor about my career or hobbies etc, because I cannot risk being identified by people whom I know.

4. How do you write posts?

I usually write whilst awaiting ovulation or in 2ww or to announce the cycle has failed...

5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?

Thankfully, Nope!

6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?

I have a counter just to have a general idea, but I don't really care. I care more about people knowing me NOT knowing about this blog!

Yes, I'm done!

Today is a Public Holiday in Singapore here, it's called Vesak Day.

I am in a good mood, because my period is ending soon and I can look forward to a brand new cycle!

The pain was slightly better this time round, and I didn't take any ponstan pills at all. I am going into some details about my period, so apologies for TMI!

It's only painful and crampy during the first two days. How to describe the pain? At best it's a dulling ache, at worst it's like someone trying to rip out my uterus! My uterus and pelvic regions will feel all heavy and aching. I can't walk straight, but I can't sit for long too. The best is to lie on bed in a sideway position, or to actually squat down or to kneel down and lean my upper torso on the floor, well basically any position that doesn't put weight on the pelvic region.

But the worst part are the blood clots. My period is not just about passing out blood, but also passing out blood clots! It's really gross, and I really need to make sure I am near the bathrooms for the first two days to avoid staining! Every time I go to loo to pass urine, out pop the clots too! But with each passing out of the clots, my cramp will be abated. So I believe the cramps are caused by my body wanting to expel these clots.

My gynae explained that these clots are probably from the endo growth into my uterine back walls. My TCM concurred, and added that that's why I need to abstain from cold stuff and try to keep my womb 'hot', as that will help to ease blood flow and prevents less clotting.

I have read up extensively over my adenomyosis condition, and I am thankful that I only suffer two days of pain every month, which in a way can be alleviated by taking ponstan and keeping to a cleaner 'warmer' diet.

Anyone out there who is like me and have gotten pregnant eventually? I believe there are! In time to come, I will too.

Failed cycle again

2008-05-16T12:22:00.003+08:00

Sigh, just when I posted about being in 2WW yesterday...well wouldn't you know it...my period came last night. The day when a close friend told me she tested positive was also the day when my period came.

But I am alright, honest to God. It helps alot since I have placed myself in a neutral state of being. I haven't been charting everyday for the past 2 cycles, so in that sense I didn't really know the exact ovulation day. I no longer abstain from coffee too. Hence the fact that I'm not pregnant doesn't crush me. But of course it'd be so wonderful if I could be pregnant.

We are still at this crossroad, as to whether to try out clomid. I still have similar fear - that it won't work anyway. And I still wish that we can still get pregnant in the old-fashioned way. I really wish that to happen.

I sincerely pray to God that, this time round, even though I have failed again, please grant it to waitingforlife and allyouwhohope. At least one of us should be pregnant by now.

2WW now....

2008-05-15T19:08:00.002+08:00

Again I have to apologize for the lapse in updating....this time round is way too long....last cycle was a bust, naturally, and currently, I am in 2WW again.

Honestly speaking, I don't feel motivated to keep up this blog...somehow I update on my progress through commenting on blogs of waitingforlife and allyouwhohope :)

I guess it's because I try to keep TTC and IF in a neutral state of context so as not to feel too much. And since I am not feeling too much of any emotions about it, there isn't a push to blog.

So, why am I here now? Because I just read waitingforlife's recent entry about it's high time someone should take one for the team, and I am totally in agreement with that!

And hey, guess what, currently we are all in 2WW's wait now!

But somehow, though I wish I can be the one, I do feel that the rest have a higher chance. I am not allowing myself to feel too hopeful at all. If it should happen, it should have happened 'multiple times' over the past 2 years....oh well.

Alright, here's another reason to update - a close friend just told me she's tested positive. She's 37 years old, 4 years older than me, conceived her first child the very first month she tried, and this second one took her about half a year. I am happy for her, and also sad, it's a really mixed feeling.

Let me try to explain....I believe some of you will understand...

When she started trying for her second child, she would update me every month when her period came, and I would comfort her. I would feel kinda sad for her, but for sure a part of me was relieved about it. I really can't explain that sort of feeling. She would bemoan that she finally understood that it's not that easy to get pregnant afterall, and somehow that made me feel comforted. I am such an ugly person...

However, the truth is that, I've always known deep down, without a doubt, that she will definitely get pregnant, it's just only a matter of when. And now, she's proven me right.

I have only hoped that her good news will come just a while longer...just a little while longer...perhaps even wait until after I managed to get pregnant. Well, no luck there.

It's really a terrible feeling, to know people around you are fertile despite their age or weioght issues or whatever, and that pregnancy is only a matter of 'when'.

How about myself? How about us? Anyhow, the answer will reveal itself soon.

CD12....onwards to ovulation

2008-03-23T11:49:00.003+08:00

It's a bright cheery sunny Sunday over here in Singapore now :)

And I am in good mood too. It certainly helps that Friday was Good Friday for us here, a Public Holiday. Pity Easter isn't A PH for us though.

I just got back from a business trip last week, so we didn't manage to squeeze in a short vacation trip for this long weekend.

Friday was spent with my side of my family, whilst yesterday morning was spent with my MIL, my DH's side of family. I don't want to go on about things which irked me about them. Suffice to say that my sil's 3rd pregnancy is going along nicely...she's gushing abt how she could feel it in her bones that this time round it's going to be a BOY....I just focused on having fun with her 2 daughters and ignored her.

Alright, enough about them, about DH's side of family.

Thereafter we spend the rest of Saturday lazing around....leisurely swim in our condo pool....a scary spanish movie 'The Orphanage'...great dinner at one of our fav. Italian restaurant....and abit of beer at a Brewery place. Yes, we drank some beer.....we decided to just relax and forget about all the rules...and of course, rounded off Sat night with doing the deed :)

Today will be another slow day for us, I have time and mood to write this post whilst DH having a round of tennis with his buddies.

Whilst trying to TTC, I have made several changes in my lifestyle and diet, and of course more importantly TTC has altered and effected changes on my temperament and character....most of which are pretty negative.

One example of a diet change is cutting out caffeine altogether for the past 2 years. But hey, guess what, since last month I started having some coffee again. If abstaining from caffeine for 2 years didn't help in making me pregnant, then what's the point? Having coffee again, makes me feel more normal at the very least.

And yes, having some beer too. That's more for my DH's benefit.

Now how often have we heard of 'oh we conceived whilst drunk...' that sort of stuff?

Anyway, my TCM physician is saying to me, having a bit of coffee and beer is alright, because more importantly is keeping a relax frame of mind. She said it will happen for us one day, just relax...

I chickened out of clomid this round, but I will do it for the coming cycle. Of course, I hope this cycle can be it.

I have not ovulated yet....in fact last round I ovulated later at CD19/20...previously was CD16/17....I guess it could be the caffeine afterall, but I am not going to think about it.

I want to lead a normal life again, and not obsessed about TTC. It is a fact that we have problems, but we do try to resolve them. We have TCM, we have the vitamins, we do the necessary. There'a nothing much I can do for my adenomyosis condition, but it's supposedy not so serious to the extent of imparing my chances of TTC.

So anyhow, I will take the next step, I will try clomid.

Just a short little note....DH got a male colleague who's going to be a father the third round...now, he's overweight, and his wife is also overweight...but so what? They have no problems conceving at all....

I really wonder...God I really wonder....

Alright, I am not going to lament and go into that direction again. Lamenting about others' seemingly lack of efforts in TTC WILL NOT result in us having higher chances in TTC....it will only pull me down further, so that's that.

Shall end this post, and enjoy the rest of the Sunday :)

Happy Easter to all!

CD2

2008-03-13T21:56:00.002+08:00

Yup.....it's here again :) Amazingly, I am not too upset about it. One of the reasons is actually due to the two blogs which I frequent....their positive attitudes certainly cheer me on!

We will get there, all of us, definitely, one day.

I am really really sorry for not updating regularly. I really want to, but I just get get around to doing it. I promise to do better.

Will stop here for now!

CD4

2008-02-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

Sorry for not updating my blog for more than 2 weeks now… …

Allyouwhohope – thanks for asking after me. Hey I’m fine, short of being pregnant…..

I wish I could have announced that I got a BFP, but, well, no.

AF came on Friday, whilst we were relaxing by the sea in Bintan, Indonesia.

Yes, I had to have the obligatory reunion dinner with my mil during Chinese New Year Eve on last Wednesday. Then the next day, we took the ferry to Bintan for a 3 days 2 nights trip. It’s freaking expensive, but well worth it, simply because I could get away from all the gatherings of relatives and friends and colleagues.

This time round I had a 14 days LP, usually more often than not it’s 12-13. Needless to say, on DPO14, last Thursday that is, though my temperature did take a dip, I was hoping that perhaps it’s an implantation dip? Well, no. AF came on Friday.

I was alright, though. I guess relaxing by the sea did help tremendously. We discussed about what’s next too. Should we move straight to IUI? I have never tried clomid as yet. We are thinking it might not work since I have adenomoysis and DH has only a 5% morphology. Any advice?

I have had time to ponder over many stuff over the trip. I thought of coming back to blog about the changes in myself ever since I started to TTC and to suffer the bane of infertility. Oh my….all the countless silly antics too….

A part of me wishes to remain status-quo. Still hoping so much that we can get pregnant via the ‘natural way’.

But another part of me, laments that if we have moved on to IUI last year (after 1 years plus of TTC), perhaps I will be sporting a bump now, or even carrying a baby in my arms now. Simply typing that out, makes my heart aches real bad.

I have to stop here for now, will continue soon.

CD12

2008-01-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to update. Patiently awaiting ovulation and implantation and BFP!

Have I mentioned that CNY is around the corner? I am still trying to arrange for some getaway. I don't think I can stand it, being surrounded by well-meaning (hey hey, spot the positivism at work here, of course I meant NOSEY) relatives with that same question. It's weird, since they knew long ago that we don't intend to have kids at all, yet they never fail to ask the same old question year after year after year. It used to be fun to rebutt them, back when we really didn't plan on having any. OF course, things have changed. The CNY year before last year, was still bearable. Last year was harder BUT, still okay. For this coming round, I don't think I can face it. I will be surrounded by fertile younger cousins left, right, center.

This is one of the blogs I read: http://waitingforlife-lifehopes.blogspot.com/

She posted about being positive and imagining her best case scenario.

For myself, I have SEVERAL versions of pregnant scenarios. One of which will involve annoucing my pregnancy during CNY, and smiling in a what-to-do-accidents-do-happen manner. Ha ha ha.....yes, all of you can start laughing.....

Which brings me to something - ever since I am having TTC issues, I begin to really wonder whenever some people spoke of their pregnancies as 'accidents'. Who knows, maybe they had been trying for years. I guess that helps to make me feel better?

Alright, I am going to end this entry, because it's no fun at all. Writing it simply makes me feeling down, and I don't want that sort of feeling.

Just like to end it off, by reposting my comment which I posted in lifehopes's blog:

- Over in Singapore, we have a TTC forum, and there hv been a number of ex endo sufferers who shared their BFP success stories after laps etc.

So, be POSITIVE!!!!

At least, you can do lap to remove your endo. Unlike me, I suffer from adenomyosis where the endo tissue grows into my uterine walls, which means I can't operate on it, short of removing the womb!

BUT, we must stay positive and NOT LOSE hope :)

Stay positive, practice an endo-friendly diet and lifestyle. Think ZEN.

Me of all people, know that it's VERY difficult, esp. when surrounded by fertile pp all over.

But, our day will come, eventually.

ps - instead of updating my blog, I spend my time reading others and commenting...hahaha...am I in denial or what....

-end of comment

CD2....Complete melt-down

2008-01-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

Today was really really very bad for me. I have a total melt-down, I still do, whilst typing out this post. Still crying so hard that I was shaking and keep having to wipe the tears away to see the screen.

My period came yesterday, no surprise there, since I was kind of expecting it.

I only started losing it last night, when we had to go to my mil place for dinner. Guess what's the occasion? Right, that bloody bitch is pregnant, for the third time. She was literally beaming and was gushing on about how this time round that it will definitely be the gender that she wants BECAUSE, she used a OPK for THE FIRST TIME just so she could BD on the perfect day. At that moment I was literally shaking from trying so hard to control myself NOT TO start screaming at her and NOT TO pounce on her and slap her around.

This is SO BLOoDY UNFAIR. Here I am, trying for so long, and I couldn't even get pregnant once. And there she was, with two beautiful girls conceived effortlessly, and a third on the way.

I have been a relatively good human being. No doubt I spewed venomous stuff here and in my head, but all in all, I live as a decent human being. Why? Why can't I even have a child? Despite trying for almost 2 years????

And today. Today was claustrophic.

The staff of mine whom I suspect is pregnant? YES, indeed she is. She told me about it today, all smiles, and explained some work adjustments would have to be made. My ass. I smiled, congratulated her, said that I would look into re-arranging the work stuff, and that I would need to talk to her again since I needed to rush for a meeting.

I literally ran out of the office. I started hyperventilating in the lift, sucking in my breath deeply and opening my eyes REAL WIDE to prevent myself bawling there and there.

The dam broke when I was safely cocooned in my car and speeding along the road.

THIS IS SO fREAKING PATHETIC! Who would have expected ttc to lead me into such a sorry state?

I feel so suffocated because I am going to be facing fertile pregnant people around me EVERDAY. And the front I will have to put on! I just can't do it anymore.

I took the rest of the day off. I went straight home, and I REFUSED to take the painkillers nor the TCM medicine. I stupidly took in all the pain, and just cried non-stop in bed. Perhaps? Perhaps God might take pity on me and grant me a kid for the fact that I am tolerating all these pain? Yeah, such silly thought flashed through my mind amidst the pains and sorrows.

It's hard. It's so very very hard.

I got to stop here now. It's almost 9pm and my DH will be back soon. No, I don't want him to know I have a melt-down again. The pain is enough for one person - me alone.

I will be better come tomorrow. Yes I will. There's nothing else, anyway, right?

DPO... ...7? And the last day of 2007

2007-12-31T08:34:00.000+08:00

It should be DPO7 for me, but FF shifted it to DPO5 if I took into consideration the temp last Friday. Oh well, I discarded that temp then.

I meant to post earlier, and I meant to post several entries. But oh well.

Life's been so hectic. Good hectic though. Lots of shopping. And no, I didn't manage to get away from the holidays at all. I plan to do that for the coming Chinese New Year though. I hope to succeed :)

First, about BFF#1, A, We met up with others for our annual Xmas gathering. As usual, she's gushing on and on about her kid. Thank God there's a rule of NO DH/BF and NO KIDS. She had the audacity to suggest changing the rule. Then she tried to explain that she HAD no choice but to bring her kid along with her blah blah blah. In the end another girlfriend managed to put her into place. That bitch.

I just put on that plastic smile of mine whilst she went on. Sad to say, I think my friendship with A will be ending soon. Perhaps, who knows? I might deem her BFF again after I have my own kid? Haa.....for that reason alone, I hope our friendship will be revived soon. How pathetic of me.

Anyway, I know that this cycle will be a bust again. That's because I don't feel any different at all.

About mil and sil, they continue to be pain in the ass. The other day we visited the temple that housed my deceased fil's tablet. And guess what? I offered joss-sticks to him and prayed to him to, please, come and fetch mil soon. Evil me. I don't understand why she must make things difficult for everyone. Why she must be so foul-mouthed. Why she must be perpetually unhappy. I hate her, so hate her.

Alright, what else? Yes, about that staff of mine whom I suspect may be pregnant. I strongly suspect such is the case. I will write further on that next time though, because I can't seem to continue now.

I just want to get this part of my life over and done with. I wish that we can revert to a lifestyle of not wanting kids. The weird thing here is, maternal and paternal instincts are really at work here. Strange, truly strange. We both feel this inner need of wanting to be parents. Is it made all the more stronger because we can't seem to have it? I really don't know.

Alright, today is the last year. I just have a simple wish for year 2008. And we all know there's no surprise there about what it is. I just want to conceive. Notice how I said 'to conceive'? And not 'to be parents'? Hur hur....... I just want to give us more leeway......at least we have another whole year ahead.....just let me get pregnant next year.....

Happy new year everyone!

Awaiting ovulation

2007-12-22T11:06:00.000+08:00

Time flies...yet another week has gone by. One thing about ttc, it's so much fun you know? Since there will always be a fresh cycle every month. It's like a drama series. Just that it seems never-ending seasons in my case.

Yet another fellow blogger has gotten pregnant. What a great Christmas Present.

I am about to ovulate soon, probably tomorrow or Monday. Will I get a great 2008 present? I certainly hope so.

We are contemplating to move on to IUI soon. We will skip the clomid step right away since DH has only a 5% morphology. What do you think?

Alright. This is just a short entry. Not much feelings nor rants to document because there's still part of me that's pretty unfeelable. Just. Feeling. Calm.

TCM has advised me to relax and try not to get agitated.

Yes, I'll try.

I am just so glad that we don't have to visit mil for this weekend. Sigh. I really hope we don't have to visit her EVER, SOON.

Hey hey stop there. Relax. Be serene.

Merry Christmas to all!

Yet another failed cycle - CD6

2007-12-12T01:29:00.000+08:00

I realised that my last post was on last Tuesday DPO11. How I wished this post of mine would be screaming 'BFP! BFP! BFP!'. But hey hey, we all know by now that it's just not going to be that easy, right?

So here I am, another failed cycle.

My temperature dropped last Thursday and silly me was of course holding out on the hope that it might be an implantation dip. I am sure many women suffering from TTC/infertility issues out there would know exactly what I am talking about. Many a times I took solace in their blogs. And many a times those stuff they blogged about would bring about smile or a tear.

My period then came on Friday, and I was once again thrown into the depths of depression. It's of course well-contained during work. Work has always been my saviour and armour.

Weekend was a blur. I couldn't recall much of it except that I had simply shut down part of myself so that I wouldn't have to feel much. I still had quite several blood clots though the blood flow seemed to have lessened. So perhaps the TCM is working its magic. I hope its magic includes a BFP soon.

What now? what now? 2007 is coming to an end. What's next? The damnest thing is that I can't even do anything about my condition since I suffer from adenomyosis. I can't even do a lap or anything. I just have to WAIT. I can only wait. Wait for DH's soldiers to be stronger and strong enough to fertilize my egg and implant properly.

Holidays are here again. I dread them, I really do. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am going to try to arrange for some business trip. I am so going to try.

Sorry for all these ramblings.

DPO11

2007-12-04T20:04:00.000+08:00

No particular feeling.

Woke up early for a swim before heading to office. Again, full-fat toffee nut latte for breakfast. With a muffin threw in. Lots of butter.

Work was truly my saviour. No matter what TTC shit I have, work will always cheer me up. I am just too good at it. One of my staff has gained some weight, and I kept thinking that any time now she's going to tell me that she's pregnant. She was only married last year. Sigh.

DPO10 & TCM visit

2007-12-04T00:14:00.000+08:00

I enjoyed going for my TCM because the physician is such a lovely lady. She's always so calm and reassuring.

She felt my pulse and I told her woefully that I didn't have any 'pregnant' feeling. She smiled and nodded. She couldn't detect either but she told me DPO10 was still too early for most people. Oh well, I know she's trying to cheer me up. Then she asked the usual questions whilst she did the accupuncture on me. I collected both my and DH's med and drove over to Orchard for - you guessed it right - retail therapy. AND emotional eating.

I did some christmas shopping in a detached mode. I wasn't feeling overtly depressed. I didn't have that doomed heavy feeling in the pits of my stomach. I was simply, unfeeling. Very detached.

With both hands full of shopping bags, I sat down for my full fat toffee nut latte. I don't care. I deserved some caffeine. I've been deprived for so long. And I had my favourite new york cheesecake. I already thought of where to have dinner later with DH.I want to have loads of meat and cheese and fats.

So what if DH and I both look like the perfect specimens of VIBRANT health? So what if we both keep up a healthy regime of regular exercise and diet? So what if we look great? We aren't so great internally.

I really HATE it when I see fat waddling women pregnant. I really fucking hate it when people whom I know of and who clearly didn't deserve kids have them. I hate it when people told me they got pregnant on their first try or that it's a Oops pregnancy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

And I left out something unwritten about friend A in my earlier post. She subsequently im that they had started trying again last month. But then she got her period. YES, I am happy about it. Did she think that she will strike on their first try the second round as well?

Dear GOD, you wouldn't be that cruel towards me, right?

I pray, yes I pray. Please GOD, at least allow me to get pregnant before A. Please don't let her have it too easy. Alright, there, I've said it. See what a horrible person I have become? I have been consumed by the infertility monster. A is my BBF, and this is what I wished for her.

DPO9...and counting...

2007-12-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

Today is DPO9. Weekend was great, as usual. Except for the pain in the ass obligatory visit to mil.

Ok, let's make it offical in this post - I HATE MY MIL. And that I wish that she will DIE SOON. Yes, such venom. No wonder I'm still not pregnant. The angel within me will chide me - how is it possible for you to be pregnant when you curse death on your mil? Then again, the evil twin will reason that there are SO MANY women out there who are MUCH WORSE than me, and they are giving birth left, right, and centre. Go figure.

It's like the family we saw during breakfast yesterday morning. SHE was SO FAT. She was so fat that she hardly had the energy to handle her THREE kids. And the poor husbnd was hustling to and fro to buy the various assortments of breakfast. She simply sat there like a glob of fat, unmoving, whilst the two older kids were running around and the maid was carrying the wailing baby. GOSH, kill me.

Anyway, I hate my mil for many reasons, as I am sure many of you mil-haters will know.

Oh yes, throw in the sil too. I HATE SIL and I do wish she's DEAD, too. For the record, sil is married, with 2 kids, and staying with mil. They have a maid too, paid for by yours truly and yours truly's DH. Put it this way, we very much help to support them. Sil's DH is a nice man who doesn't earn much. Frankly speaking, we don't mind giving them the extra money etc, because I do love the kids too and I am never stingy with money. Moreover we are in the position to help comfortably. I just can't stand her bimbotic ways. The worst thing is that, she still wants a THIRD kid, because both her kids are girls and she wants a boy. I could have strangled her. I mean, can't she live within her means?????

My mil is the perpetual pessimist. Nothing good nor gracious ever comes out of her foul mouth. She is unhappy about everything and complains about everything. So all I know is that, she should die sooner so she need not suffer on earth any more. And yet, the minute she feels anything amiss, she will quickly rush to the doctors. OOooh, how scared she is to depart from this world. AND I HATE IT, when she will insist on wanting my DH to accompany her to the doctors. EXCUSE ME, we are working, whilst her daughter is at home, and there's A MAID. Go and die.

Anyway, that's it for now. The rest of our weekend is made all the more sweeter because we got horrid people like them!

Tomorrow is my DPO10, and I will be on leave to visit my TCM.

Introducing BFF#1

2007-11-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

Morning started off to a great start. Traffic was smooth and good. That's what I love about school holidays!

It did feel kind of weird, liberating even. After creating this blog last night, instead of feeling all gleeful and vengeful about ALL the posts I was so going to start on, I actually felt pretty benevolent. Yes, you didn't read it incorrectly. Benevolent was the word. As in, I began to think that I was the petty one at fault. I started to beat myself up for having all those evil thoughts etc. Of course, that's just the angel speaking. Perhaps the evil twin only reared its ugle head at night.

Well, wonder no more. Because barely 2 hours into the office, the evil twin was out in full force. And so it's time to introduce BFF#1. Just name her A.

I forgot to block her in msn and she im me immediately when she came online.

Now, who is this A? Well, she IS my BFF. I got to know her during my very first job. She was a year older, and very much single. Throughout the years, whilst I tested various bfs, she remained very much single. Not for lack of suitors, but simply for lack of suitable suitors. Geez, she tends to attract pretty creepy guys. Eeks.

Fast forward a decade or so, which is the present. She is married, and with a daughter. Well I need to qualify that sentence. She met the guy, got married, and gave birth to a lovely daughter, within 2 years. That's right. She got married in the same year she met the guy. She got pregnant on their try. The rest is history. The nice angel in me will jump out wanting to list out how wonderful I have been as her BFF throughout the whole friendship, but that's NOT the point. This blog is by the evil twin, so I will only post the nasty parts.

First, is it love? I don't know. I really don't know. A's husband is in fact my JC mate, BUT we definitely didn't move in the same social circle. He's a decent enough fellow. And A was running out of time. So things just fell into places.

A changed completely after having her lovely daughter. Of course, this is what my evil twin sees. A started on and on and on and on about the loveliness of motherhood and urged me to have a go. She didn't know about the issues we are facing because, thank GOD, I didn't tell her. Not because I didn't want to. I was lucky to discover the change in her in time for me NOT to share anything with her. As she's crippled in words and tact. She knew long ago that we are VERY focused on our careers and won't wish to compromise our lifestyle with parenthood. She didn't know we have changed our minds. But even then, it's not about whether we want to have kids or not. It's about HER, being so zealous about motherhood and nothing else.

Anyway, let's come back.

I almost wanted to brush her off. I just came back from a business trip and was tempted to im her back that I was still out of town. BUT, what the heck. I just helloed her back. And guess what, she asked how's the trip and that she missed me and she put those sniggering icon and asked whether am I preggie. HEllo???? And that's not the first time. Prior to having a kid she had never started on my case. And I thought that's because she is my BFF and truly understood my reasons for not having kids. NOW I know better. As if seeing me having strings of bfs and getting married WAY earlier than her isn't bad enough? How can she possibly tolerate the fact that I am going to be a mother WAY earlier than her? She must be so glad I wasn't having any so she could still beat me in that department! And yes, she did win me, hands down. And of course she has to gloat over it now. It will always be her upperhand over me. She can't compare in other areas. She's not doing better than me career-wise nor social circle-wise. Her husband doesn't dote on her as much as mine does. The list goes on. But hey, she IS a mother, she has a DAUGHTER.

SO she has been blabbering on and on about kids. And keep urging me to have a go. I would have forgiven her if she's like that before having her kid. But no. Her explaination is that now she discovers how wonderous motherhood is and so I MUST go for it. Perhaps she's being sincere and sweet. But my evil twin likes to think that she's trying to show off. She's trying to tell me she's having this wonderous experience while I, am losing out on this wonderous experience.

There, she gotten what she wanted. She spoiled my Friday, through and through.

Finally started a blog on my TTC related depression and issues

2007-11-29T20:43:00.000+08:00

Yes, finally. I've spent a very very long time agonizing whether or not to start a blog. In truth, ttc/infertility blogs which I've been obssessed with are all from the US or UK, none from Singapore. I wonder why?

Perhaps it's due to fear of being discovered? Privacy being intruded upon? Afterall, what can be worse than laying out in the open for all to see - all 'evil' things ttc related? As such, I have decided on a few measures to ensure that NOBODY, absolutely no one, will be able to read my posts and go 'AHhhhhh! I know! I know who she is!'. Because, the fact remains that this blog will contain nothing pretty. It will be no hold barred. Meaning? Well, simply means the evil twin within me will be unleashed. Yippeeee! I will post about all my evil thoughts, even though I may not really mean them, BUT the fact remains that I do think of them. It's like at times you do wish that someone will drop-dead even though you don't really mean it. Yes, such will be my posts here. Because, this is my blog, about my depression regarding TTC. My evil twin. Because I am NEVER, so NOT like that in real life at all.

Since these few measures are meant to obscure my identity, obviously I can't list them out. So, please don't ask or probe, either.

Alright, the intro has been done. Will be happily posting in the days and months to come :) Yeah, notice I am NOT saying years, since I obviously hope to be pregnant soon.